Ministry, Politics, and Prayer

Confession time!

I hate, and love being 'politically correct'. I think that is a term we use now a days when we need to tiptoe around subjects where we don't want to ruffle up any feathers. This term politically correct really is a double edged sword and has gotten so much negative connotation as it is, which some is warranted, though I feel some is not.

I believe there is a time to be 'politically correct'. The term I would rather use, however, because I feel they are very similar, is discretion. We need to be very cautious about what we say to a listening world. There is a time for honest brutality, but also time for a gentle rebuke, and a time for complete and total grace. Discretion is so key here!

The story I can't help but think of for this subject is located in John - a short little passage we are all so familiar with - where we see great examples in both what to do, and what not to do.

And early in the morning he came again unto the temple, and all the people came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them.
And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,
They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.
Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.
So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him cast a stone at her.
And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.
And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.
When Jesus had lifted himself up, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
(John 8: 2-11)

When I read this story, it all escalates so fast. I imagine all eyes turning from Jesus' teachings, to the Pharisees who are dragging a woman in with them (who was likely certain that she was about to be stoned to death) She is then put up for spectacle as the question is posed, 'So what do we do with her?' Can you imagine the weight of that moment? As Jesus continues to write in the dirt, I bet that poor woman's stomach was doing flips! Her fate hung on the words of this man who was barely paying them any attention at all!

The scribes and Pharisees planned to use this woman as nothing more than a tool to make Jesus 'mess up' so they could find cause to condemn him. They were so caught up in their own little games and tests that they did not care who they hurt or who's lives they upturned, so long as they could reach their goals. Was she a sinner? Of course! Did she deserve condemnation? Yes! (Don't we all?) Regardless the scribes and Pharisees spot on accusations, myself as a reader, I can't help but be disgusted at how cut throat and merciless they are here. We love seeing Jesus as the hero here, as he is her only much needed advocate come this make or break moment.

Now, Jesus could have addressed this entire situation so many different ways. He could have addressed the Pharisees and rebuked them for their lack of compassion, or their wayward hearts that were far more concerned about themselves than the work of the Father. He could have done things a million different ways, yet in his discretion, he handled things, of course, perfectly.

After a simple response, the seemingly deadly situation is almost instantly diffused, and what once was a hopeless, graceless end for a person caught too deep in their own sin to escape, a new beginning is given.

This is our perfect example.

Where this is hitting home for me, is people's day to day lives. We get so caught up in being politically correct in some areas. We know at work what we can and can't say, we know what we can and cannot say - even as a joke- to our spouse and family, and we even know this secret 'churchy' code over what can and cannot be said in Church.

Now, I think that some of this is a good thing. We NEED to have boundaries. We need to have a standard over what is and is not acceptable behavior, and we need to use discretion when it comes to making those judgment calls.

The issue comes to play when this being politically correct sways off balance, to either side. In the side of us being too politically correct and too guarded, we can sugar coat our lives within the church body until it is superficial and fake. For example, a youth minister having a terrible week where he is really struggling, yet coming to church and plastering on a smile, just trying to get through the service. I'm sure people relate to this, because I've been there many times! My thoughts are usually along the lines of 'I don't want to burden anyone with my problems' but in that, it can cause an even greater problem. One being the fact that we need the prayer when we are struggling, and the other being the fact that we as the body of Christ need to be lifting each other up in prayer, it helps us grow! When we separate our lives away from the body of Christ, we are closing our God's ability to work in that area of the body, and that is very dangerous.

To the other side of the pendulum, where we need to use perhaps more discretion, is when people get outspoken and lost in our own self righteousness. We feel so strongly about a certain subject, and we have verses highlighted in our Bibles, ready to take down anyone who dares to disagree! Now I am not at all saying we need to back down on what Truth is, or is not. What I am saying here is that we need to use discretion and check our hearts before we get carried away. If at the time, our only concern is the bottom line of 'I am right and I will prove it to you' then we are no better than the Pharisees who were so caught up in trying to find guilt on Jesus that they exploited the woman for their own selfish gain.

We have to make sure that all we do is reflective of the heart of God. While we may be spot on about what the Bible says, I do not once recall Jesus hunting people down to beat them up with the Word until things escalated into a heated argument that resulted in both parties wanting nothing to do with the other. We need to confront people in love and grace, just as the Father did with us when we were lost in sin and had (and still have) nothing to offer in return. It is vital that we not lose sight of the Father's heart.

This is a very, very, very fine line. It's hard to make a precise judgment call from the outside looking in, because different circumstances are going to change how we should approach the issue, whatever, and whoever it may be. Also, let's not forget we are human. We don't always have this innate understanding to always handle things in the best way.

In our weakness, we need to cry out to the one who can perfectly guide us, and wants to see us be victorious. We need to constantly be on our knees and in the Word, allowing Him to shape and reform our minds. As we walk with Him, he will give us opportunity to use that discretion, and we can learn and grow from experience.

Not that I myself am a perfect example of discretion, because I certainly am not, but it is such an important issue! For the woman, her very life depended on that discretion, and thank God the decision was left to Christ alone, who chose to love her past her short comings. Sometimes discretion will call us to grace, and other times to turn over tables as we declare with a loud voice, This is NOT right! I pray that come that time for me to make that call in my life, I won't confuse the two. We all need to be begging God for continual guidance so we can always be right where he wants us to be - able to reach and point a lost world back to Him.

Homelife

Today I thought I would elaborate on my living status, detailing a bit further of where I live now. I moved into a smaller, three bedroom house, where I have two female roommates, and of course my lovely cat Kikwi. Because of where timeframes fell between my potential moving to Michigan and family vacation, it left me a few days over a week to find and secure a new place to live. This meant my source of research was actually Craigslist, and yes, I was scared of using such a source, but I had a week! Beggars can't be choosers right?

To elaborate more on this process, it was honestly nothing short of scary. So many places were with people I didn't, or wouldn't want to live with. (Party houses, 420 friendly, housing with males etc.) Even if I found a place that fit my standards and price range, this of course did not guarantee the character of my potential roommates, nor if they were trust worthy people. For a few days, I was fearful I would have to settle- perhaps just find a place for a month or two until I COULD find a better place sort of thing. There were a few places that I had been texting back and forth, getting further information on, and in the end I did choose where I am now because the landlord mentioned that the current resident, Joanna, was ver similar to myself when it came to religion, and had just gotten back from a missions trip. *insert hallelujah chorus here*

I cannot tell you how thrilled I was to hear this! While I knew it didn't mean that this person would have the same beliefs I did, I did feel a lot better knowing I'd be moving in with someone who took their beliefs seriously, versus people that perhaps did not. It wasn't long after that I put in my security deposit and got the contract all squared away. Though I hadn't met this alleged Joanna or the other myserious person the landlord was working with, it held more promise than any of the other individuals I was working with.

After meeting Joanna, I can easily say that God was certainly watching out for me in my scary, risky move. She is such a strong, godly woman, and is such an encouragement to be around. She is older than I am, works in the medical field, and is activly involded in missions. (I think she said that was her third trip to the Congo - wow!) She is so approachable - there have been multiple times that we have stayed up far too late into the night, talking about life, God's word, matters of the heart - things that matter!

Being in this house has been SUCH a blessing to me.

The other individual that also moved in is a girl named Shilpa. She's very quiet and reserved so while I don't get to see too much of her, the interactions I've had with her are quite pleasant as well. She is from India, and I'm not sure of her religious status honestly. I'm hoping to bring her to youth group activities and such, not just so she might be able to meet new people and make godly friends while she's out here, but also get to hear God's truths as well! (This is something to be in prayer about for sure.)

So this, in short, is the more extended story of my move, as well as the turn out. I am so encouraged to be in an environment that is conducive to growth, especially considering the fact that I had no guarantee, and no way of knowing where I would end up. I really have to praise God for this - he really does watch out for his own!

Quenching the Negativity!

The past few days have been pretty real to me. Over the past few weeks, I feel that God has been speaking to me about my having such a negative spirit. Though we can laugh about people's bad moods and get great quotes from them (at least I do), when it comes down to it, it's not Godly to be so negative. It just isn't. God wants us to be different and stand out from others, but how can we do that if we are just so angry and bitter about the world around us? What joy can a lost world look to when children of light only grumble and complain? This is a problem!

Without getting into too much detail, I feel very convicted about this in my life. I can look to the person that I know God wants me to be, and see where I have failed. I /want/ to be that person, and I am done making excuses about why I am, or am not who I need to be. While I don't exactly know HOW to become this 'happier' more encouraging and positive individual, I know that there are many positive things I can say about an uplifting, patient God.

Today what I want to do is make a list about the things that I am truly grateful for about God. I don't have a set number - at first I wanted it to be like 25 things, or 50 things that I appreciate, but I don't want it to be fake as I just come up with things to fill a number. I want to write down things that REALLY matter and have personally meant a great deal to me in my life. For those reading this, if you want to make your own list I challenge you to do so! Again I don't know exactly how to go about not being so negative, but I know that if I focus all my attention on such a great God, there won't be anything left to be bitter about. So perhaps seeing where God has blessed others would serve to be a smile on my face and yours :D

Here goes!

1. Being my best friend, even when I was the worst friend in return

2. Simple as it is, just being there. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

3. Always bringing out the best in me - better yet, MAKING the best attributes in me.

4. The fact that you are someone I will never get bored of, and will never be able to 'figure out'

5. Giving me PURPOSE!

6. Being such a good author. And you don't over use exclamation points.

7. That your solutions work. While I don't understand them, it's great to see your plans for mankind. I look forward to when peace on earth is more than just a holiday greeting.

8. For meeting me where I am and being relevant and patient with me - I'm pretty stubborn.

9. Taking the initiative and giving me the next step.

10. For being such a unifying person. It's great how many 'strangers' I relate to, simply because of our common faith.

11. For never being okay with where I am now, and never allowing me to think it's okay either.

12. For caring enough to DO something, and not get frustrated and only doing things halfway.

13. Of course, my salvation. That's such a good churchy term, so what that means to me, is that I CAN have a relationship, that I don't get what I deserve, and that for whatever reason, God sees me as someone he wants to be with for ETURNITY. I don't think there are many people I want to spend literal eternity with, and I know how eh, annoying I can be sometimes. I really like the fact that God WANTS me to be around. Makes it so I want to be around him too :D

For right now, that's what I've got. My goal is to be in the Word and let his truths reform my thinking until I am more aligned to what He wants me to be. I don't want to be negative, and I don't want to drain people when they are around me. I want to be an encouragement to others that are in the day to day walk with Christ as I am.

Focus

Continuing in my reflective, spiritual roll call at where I am, my thoughts as of late, and what I feel I've learned (or been reminded of) in response, these are my more rescent findings. (As my father would likely say, growing pains, which are no fun!)

I've had my fair share of frustrations as of late on my spiritual walk. Surprisingly, it's not the larger events that are leading me to this frustration. While there has been definiate changes in my life recently, they are not an overall issue. While they have brought up no doubt questions as my life is being redirected, my recent setbacks have been smaller - to be precise, my own failures and inconsistencies in my own spiritual walk.

I've said it here before, but I don't like messing up and failing God. I am not trying to sound super spiritual, but I don't know how else to word it - it really gets to me. I hate the fact that I am SO bad at doing what I know to be right. Though I know it won't help anything, my first reaction is to throw up my hands and say, 'I tried, and failed, and I'm done.' and just walk away. Again being honest here Christians, who wants to fail over and over and over again? People's lowest places in life are often accompanied by the statement or thought, 'I feel like a complete failure'

It's not fun when you've given something an honest effort and see virtually no results. Pride or otherwise, trying and failing stings on such a personal degree, doesn't it? Isn't it so much easier to keep doing the things you already excel at? This is how I feel often times on my spiritual walk. I hate messing up, and the knowledge that I very likely will KEEP messing up is discouraging.

For those who know me well, it will not be a shock to hear that I am a 'glass is half empty' kind of person. 'I'm not negative - I'm realistic' is often how I explain it, because as you can see, the glass IS half empty after all.

Without really noticing it, this negative attitude seemed to have snuck its way into my Bible reading as of late. For a few days, I was rather upset and frustrated with how difficult things were on earth. It frustrated me at how hard it was do so something so simple, while consistently live in a way that is pleasing to God. What Christ has given us to do in and of itself doesn't SOUND that hard, yet is incredibly challenging to accomplish.

What got me so frustrated reading through Matthew, was just how often it was that the disciples didn't get it. They saw first hand so many miracles and signs, and various times they are in shock, confessing, 'Wow, you really ARE the Son of God' - in my head I'm thinking 'Didn't we just get that established a few chapters ago?? Did you forget what you saw? How can you possibly be so blind?'

Now me being my negative self, this got me thinking. How is it that people exposed to so much God (for lack of a better term) can be so faithless? For people that saw things no other man could do unless he were the Son of God, they were pretty clueless. It's like they learned nothing at all!

Upon reading that, this here is what I got out of it:

If they can't do it, then how in the world am I going to?

And that thought, twisted and negative in nature, yet to myself, a valid question, put me in a slump. If these men who walked around with God himself before and after death couldn't even have an ounce of faith - often missed the picture time and time again, then there was no hope for me! I know very well how miserable I am when I am not in the Word and walking with God as I should be - contrawise though - the idea of constantly missing the picture and always having to relearn the same things over and over again doesn't sound all that great either.

For a few days, I was in a rather unpleasant mood. I remember sitting back on my porch, playing my guitar, only singing half the words because I couldn't bring conviction into what I was attempting to sing. I just couldn't get over it. Why was God calling me to be faithful when his own desciples couldn't do it half the time? How frustrating! I feel bad enough when I am unfaithful, and if the deciples are any indicator, I'm doomed to live a life of missed opportunity and countless mistakes. Was there any way I could ever be victorious and happy with my relationship with Him if I was doomed to fail each time I tried? If that was how things were going to be, was it worth trying? While I knew these thoughts were ridiculous, I couldn't seem to find an answer, so it only served to upset me further. What was I doing wrong?

I decided to title this entry as 'focus', because for where I am right now in the day to day grind of my walk with Christ, I feel this is my ultimate stumbling block - not my failures and unfaithfulness to God as I had initially thought. As I took a step back and began dwelling on the stories, I realized my focus from beginning to end was all wrong.

The focus of the Bible has never been about a terrible people that can't do a single thing right, though that often seems to be the case when looked at with a critical eye. If that's the mindset you are reading with, then like myself, you will miss the entire purpose of the Bible, and it's very possible that you too will glean things out of the Word that aren't at all what's being said.

God's Word has never been a how-to story of people and their great successes in life, but rather a perfect God who is the solution to our sin nature! It is a story detailing His holiness, His loving nature, and a historical record of His efforts to redeem creation. When we shift our focus off the main character, and onto the 'side characters', the story becomes jaded and we miss vital lessons that the Father has placed in the Word for our benefit.

Instead of focusing on how often Peter has his 'foot in mouth' moments, it would be a much more impacting (and much more encouraging!) lesson to see how Jesus never stops being graceful and compassionate towards people - how patient he is through mistakes, and how he always guides his followers to the next step in their walk with Him - be it reaffirming his identity as Messiah, or seeing Him in a new light that grows them closer to him.

If I am so focused on MY mistakes, on MY shortcomings, and MY inability to serve to where I feel I should, then it is no wonder I am getting frustrated and feeling unfulfilled in my walk as of late! If I am so focused on myself and my own problems, that doesn't leave any room for God - of course there is going to be a problem!

Now bear in mind, it is not a bad thing to keep yourself accountable! We should often be giving ourselves a reality check and constantly comparing our lives to the truth of God's Word - where the issue lies is when we get so caught up in our mental checklist that we turn our focus off from Him and onto ourselves. While our intentions may have started well, they can end in a degrading, negative attitude that pulls our focus inward, not upward.

I do say this to myself really, because it is a shame to be so negative when we are such a blessed people. I am not referring to the things and 'stuff' we have, though that is certainly a blessing in and of itself, what I am in reference towards is the fact that we, as children of God have direct access to Him. We are a chosen people. We are so, so special! How silly it is to ever have a negative spirit when we are just SO blessed to even be allowed access to Him. It's sad that we can be compelled to turn our eyes off Him for a moment in favor of something else - especially if that something is beating ourselves up because of our shortcomings.

Recent blessings, in some odd summary I guess, is that I did get the schedule change I requested. This means I'll be able to get more involved in church activities! Also, where I moved into is a really great Christian environment. My roommate is a fantastic girl named Joanna and she is a great, encouraging person to be around. This is something I’ll post about later, because it’s defiantly worth mentioning!

Update!

As usual, it seems as though I have so much to say between this update and the last. Perhaps the biggest update is that through all the back and forthness between my attempts to get out to NTBI, in the end, it seems it will be a better plan to wait it off for a year to try to pay down some debt I've gathered, and possibly try to get rid of my car? I'm not sure yet. In summary though, it is certain that I will not be attending that school this semester and am staying here in Springfield for a while longer.

I will admit it was slightly discouraging to come SO close and miss the opportunity due to finances not being there, but while I am not excited about that closed door, I am very optimistic towards the doors that are opening, and may continue to open in the future for me. In the short time of my 'YES I AM GOING' to the now reality of, 'Aw Snap no I'm not' - so much has had to change!

One of the current changes that I have asked various people to be in prayer about it, is a schedule change at work. My current schedule is Monday thru Friday noon to nine, however because it is a night schedule, it means that ministries I'd want to be involved in (Freeway, Wednesday night Service, Southside Outside) I just can't attend. The schedule I am aiming for is Monday thru Friday seven thirty AM (YIKES!!) to three thirty PM. I talked with my manager about it today to see if there are any updates, and he says while he can't guarantee anything, he believes that I am first in line for a schedule change out of the people that requested it. Great news!

Also, with my roommate moving out last week, I too started looking for a new place to stay, and with where the time frames fell between family vacation and the start of a new month, it left me about one week to find a new place to stay. After searching, I was able to secure a place that will be a great change for the better. I can honestly say that without the help of others, I would NOT have been able to make the move at all. Further blessings on this being that Josh and Brenda are being pretty gracious when it comes to moving, so it is making the move as stress free as possible, all things considered. I moved the majority of my things out yesterday, and now simply have more cleaning and such to attend to.

The past few days have mainly consisted of me accepting the fact that I'm not moving, and has lead to a lot of reflections on my life - some good things - growth that I'm proud of - but other things that make me want to shy away from this examination. This is something that's been on my mind in result of this, and I wanted to share it. I've been thinking about how people take their relationship with God. Some of my thoughts all sparked from yesterday when I was moving into the new house; my neighbor has the famous 'Coexist' bumper sticker on his/her car. I remember once I was talking to my Dad about how frustrating and confusing it could be when people refer to God as if he were multiple different persons based off what that individual was looking for.

In the past I've heard things like 'MY God is a loving God' or 'Well that's not the God I serve'

The way I see it, there is only ONE God, and you either serve Him, or you don't. Because there is only one God and he is constant and unchanging, either you know Him and serve Him, or what you've created is an idol in His place.

When you have a confrontation with God, you change. Either you choose to walk away, or you believe in His truth and adjust your life accordingly. Yet often times when I hear people talk about their beliefs or the fact they go to church, they speak as though God is the one who changes when He is confronted by them.

'I divorced my husband because he was a bad man. The God I serve and go to church for understands that. I did the right thing.'

That was the subject one of my coworkers were discussing as she was sharing her faith with others some time back. When she heard that God was opposed to divorce, she left the church, but when she sat back and thought about it, she knew HER God didn't condemn her, and in fact supported her decision. She is loyal to the church and her god to this day.

What bothers me about this line of thought is simply this - when confronted with God, the proper response is to change. There cannot be a middle road of 'Yes I know this is contrary to God's Word, but I am special. So special that this book that details God's provision and plan for my life actually does not apply. I can do what I want, and keep my relationship with God up on the side.'

That last thought is a bit extreme, but isn't that what we do? We disillusion ourselves to try to justify that we are different - that we can have it both ways. For me, I feel quite passionate about this, because this is really where I am in my life right now. I am not above this, this is where I am residing and a reality I fight day by day! I'm ashamed to say it's a battle I often loose.

I want to live the way I want to, but because I am God's child, I will always be drawn to Him, even in times where I am slacking in my walk with Him. The message of that bumper sticker 'Coexist' is not possible. God cannot "coexist" with sin. I understand the message is to accept other religions, and while I'm not on a witch hunt here, I know very well that there is ONE way to heaven, and when I'm telling other people 'Hey, you've got your own way so that's great if that works for you' then I am doing them a HORRIBLE injustice.

Giving an honest review of my life and relationship with Him,I have a long way to go. I'm not faithful, I'm very hypocritical, and frankly, live life like the very people that frustrate me. I want God AND my way.

The two cannot coexist though - we can try to ram them together as best as we can, but it is truly impossible. That's the thought that keeps grating me. There is no such thing as 'coexisting' with God. We either reject Him as Lord and Messiah, or we believe in his Son. When we come into His family through Jesus, we are a NEW creature. We are 100% different because we were once spiritually dead, and now we are alive. We cannot be who we were before and expect our relationship with God to flourish. Again, the proper thing to do when confronted with truth, is to change - to match your life up to the truth revealed in His word. That's what I plan to do. As much as I want my way, God's proved faithful time and time again, so I know His way is best.

Time to Update!

Goodness it's been a while since I've made an update to my blog, which is quite a shame because so much has happened between now and my previous update. I am still trying to figure out the details over the next steps I want to take to bring myself to a better place to serve God.

While I would like to see myself head out to NTBI in August, the option of staying here in Springfield has its benefits as well. For now I am trying to avoid making a decision as best possible because I'll be honest, thinking too much about it really stresses me out, and considering college doesn't start until August, the stress really isn't necessary at this point.

For right now, what's on my heart is a small excerpt in Acts. Pastor James was recently using it in a sermon, and it has been stuck in my mind since then.

On the morrow, as they went on their journey, and drew nigh unto the city, Peter went up upon the housetop to pray about the sixth hour:
And he became very hungry, and would have eaten: but while they made ready, he fell into a trance,
And saw heaven opened, and a certain vessel descending unto him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth:
Wherein were all manner of fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air.
And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat.
But Peter said, Not so, Lord; for I have never eaten any thing that is common or unclean.
And the voice spake unto him again the second time, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common.
This was done thrice: and the vessel was received up again into heaven.
(Acts 10: 9-16)

For me, the specific verse that speaks out the most is verse fifteen, where Peter is corrected in assuming the animals seen in his vision to be unclean, therefore inedible. For me, this hits so close to home right now.

Often times, I am so quick to assume myself to be in the category of unclean, unusable, and unworthy. I know my heart, I know my struggles, and I know my inconsistencies. I can see my failures, see a perfect God and say to myself, 'There is no way I can serve and follow God now. Not anymore.'  While many of these things negative qualities WOULD be true of myself, God has sanctified me with his Son. God has called me to serve and honor him, no matter where I am in my walk. Through his Son, I am righteous.

Being very honest here, I don't say that last line with conviction. It is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that God calls me clean and righteous. It's one of the things I know in my head, but haven't fully been able to come to terms with in my walk with Him. It's hard to look at my life and say, this is the picture of a justified Saint.

...Me?? Are you kidding me?

I don't know if that's the terms Peter would have said if he were alive in today's timeframe, but that the tone I see him using in his vision. "Me?? Kill and eat what exactly? Lord, I've never done that before, ever. It's unclean! Are you kidding me??"

I somewhat debate with myself what may have caused that reaction from Peter, to tell God a flat 'No. ‘Part of me says it was pride being raised Jewish; tradition just would not permit him to change. Another part, perhaps the more gracious, understanding side of me, would like to believe it wasn't him being stubborn, he simply didn't understand why he was suddenly being called to do something that made absolutely no sense to him.

He was raised to believe that those things were unclean. It would be a sin to eat them! If God told me to do something that negated everything I had been raised to believe was right, I will be the first to admit that I would be getting my ears checked, asking all my friends and family if I had heard right. Certainly it can't be God telling me to do this thing, right?

It's easy for us to miss the mark when it comes to spiritual things because we don't have the same perspective that God does. It was soon after revealed to Peter why he received that puzzling vision, but the fact that Peter didn't know that before hand, I can very well see why he wasn't instantly sharpening his best animal killing cleaver. (If they had such a thing.)

Without going into details, a few things have been brought to my attention lately, where people have come to me in some variant, seeing me as someone worthy to assist as a fellow believer. Though I am excited for these new opportunities, I'd be lying if I said that I was one hundred percent sold out to it.

A part of me still feels unworthy, unclean, and unusable. Though I have long wanted to step up and be used in the ministry and make a difference for Christ, the second I get stepping stones in that direction - I hesitate. Something mentally seems to say, 'YOU, helping guide and encourage others? HA!' It seems like just yesterday I was floundering and unable to keep in God's word, and it's still a day to day struggle. Somehow I am now helping others in their walk?

Last night I couldn't sleep because that verse kept ringing in my ear, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common.

In short, I don't 'feel' cleansed. I don't 'feel' like I am sanctified, or that I am worthy to be used of God in any way, shape or form - but luckily, that's not my judgment call to make. That decision belongs to God alone, who has decided that I am worthy, and that I should be used to admonish and encourage others. It's very humbling.

I don't know what God has called me to do, but I do know I want to serve him. I value my relationship with him, and while I feel like I fall down more than anything else, it's a journey that's well worth living for, wherever it takes me, whatever bruises and scrapes I may acquire along the way.

Over Time and Obstacles

So between working more hours at work, sleeping, then working more hours, mentally making a checklist of what needs to be done to prepare my life for intense change, I realized something very vital. I have no way of actually knowing if this goal of moving away from Missouri to attend New Tribes is even obtainable or not.

What I mean by that, is that currently I am assuming that I can sell my car, assuming I can earn enough funds to get there, assuming that I will make enough money once I am there to cover tuition and my bills, and of course, assuming I will even be accepted to go in the first place.

That's a lot of assumption on my part!

I was expressing this concern to my sister Shara, and I'm not sure if I was looking for her to just nod her head, or give sisterly advice, or what honestly, but her response, though I can't quote it, was the very last thing I wanted to hear.

In short, it was something along the lines of, 'Well, that's why it's called faith.'

This quickly frustrated me, and my response sounded childish to even my ears, but it was something like, 'Well that's easy for YOU to say, you're not the one in this situation' as if God moving in my life was a bad thing.

The second she said it, I knew she was right, but it's so easy to read about faith in the bible, scoff at the disciples when Jesus corrects them for their lack of faith, and turn the page. This makes faith so much more real to me, and so much more difficult.

I hate the fact that it boils down to finances, but sadly, that's my biggest concern. I don't see how I could make ends meet from semester to semester, even if I worked. If I continue to be honest with those who read this, it is tempting to just not do anything at all. I have often thought about just shrugging my shoulders and continuing where I am now at work, yet every time I think about that, a part of me freezes, because I KNOW how unhappy I am out here, and I can't imagine how miserable I would be if I looked at God's moving in the face, and turned the other way.

It hurts to change, yet the idea of not changing hurts even more. I may not be consistent as I would like to be, and I may falter A LOT, but I can honestly say that I value my relationship with Christ, and that I do want to serve him. So... what choice do I have?

I have to go. Somehow.

I don't know how I can possibly do it, but I can look back in my life and see where God's led me in the past, and I know that NTBI would be a good continuation in that direction.

I don't know how 'Christian' this may sound, but I'm not excited right now. I'm frustrated, confused, and stressed out. I want the answers now. I want to know that my way will be covered, and that there isn't any risk on my part. I want to know that if I try so hard where I am now, that it will pay off, and I will have no problem. I don't want to have faith. I just want to SEE it, and walk down a clearly lit path and have all the answers.

I know how contrary this is to what God wants; I know that God wants me to blindly trust Him to lead me day to day.

It's not easy. It is a major struggle for me.

Continue to pray for this situation.

Hello New Tribes!

After many hours of driving, seeing various family members, MANY cups of coffee, and then even more driving, I have safely arrived at NTBI! I arrived Tuesday evening and spent Wednesday and  some of this afternoon with Brenda and Josh. At this point, Catch the Vision has officially started, so I am in a new dorm with new people, and enough life stories and new faces to keep my head spinning for weeks on end.

Oddly enough, as I sit here and type this, the fact I have to leave on Saturday and go BACK to my normal life and away from the awesome people I have met is nothing short of heart breaking. The atmosphere of New Tribes and the passion the place has is incredibly refreshing. Though I have been here for less than a full 48 hours, I feel as though I have been here forever, and that I belong here. I don't want to leave it so easily, because leaving means going back to my job on Monday, and life returns right back to where it left off.

It doesn't have to STAY that way though. I don't have to stay in Missouri and stay discontented with where my life sits. As easy as it would be to go back and let myself slide into my life that I refer to as normal (Sunday, church. Monday-Friday, work. Saturday, coffee. Repeat.) I know that I cannot truly be in God's will and not change.

I wish I could explain half the things I am thinking right now and talk about each and every person I've been able to talk to, but that would make this post painfully long for everyone. Perhaps I will a different night.

Right now I am just very anxious for tomorrow to start so I can continue to meet the new people and understand exactly what New Tribes has to offer, while at the same time wishing time could stretch on so I didn't have to say goodbye and leave the campus so soon.

Today

Today as I write, I’m rather broken hearted and overall down. Being Sunday, today would have been a fantastic day to be in church. I could really use the encouragement that comes with simply being around others that are living in the same struggles as me, but of course, I am sick and haven’t left the confines of my bedroom, let alone my house.  Figures, right?

If I could name the cause of my being less than jovial today, it is simple frustration over the fact of how often it is that I fail God. It’s not that I’ve ‘done’ anything horrible, but it’s tiny things. I haven’t been praying for my friends like I used to. When I’m in the Word, it’s more like glancing over the pages instead of actual study and application. My heart isn’t as faithful; I’m so easily distracted off from what REALLY matters day to day, and instead live in my job, or choose hanging out with family over talking to God. It’s small things like that, but a week or two goes by and I look back and say, ‘What happened??’

I know we all mess up, I know that God forgives us our failures, I know that God delights and loves us anyway –but that does not for a moment change the fact that I don’t LIKE messing up. If there is anyone that deserves my faithfulness and my 110% at all times, it’s God, and the fact that I can’t bring that to him is so tiresome. I really wish I could. It only makes sense to honestly. He died for me. I truly owe him everything – yet the reality behind it all is that it is a debt that I can’t ever repay, regardless my sincere wish to.
I know there are those much wiser than me out there, so for those that happen to be reading over this, any chicken soup for the soul advice that you’ve found to be helpful to you?

Things to pray for on a somewhat side note is my trip to New Tribes coming about a week from today. I’ll be honest; I am really hoping that this is the direction I end up going towards. I think a lot of the things I struggle with stem from the fact that aside from my church, I am living day to day among people that are not like minded with me, and it makes it very easy for me to focus on the same things they do, considering how much time I spend with them at work. If am around people who are constantly kingdom focused, it will be more difficult for me to branch off and lose focus like I do out here. Not to say that this won’t happen of course, but I would be putting myself in an environment that makes it more difficult to do so.

For further clarification, I don’t see New Tribes as a ‘fix it’ by any means, but what I do see it as is something I can do on my end that will make it easier for me to stay focused. I am putting myself in a better place to grow than if I stay here in Springfield and don’t change. The goal for me is to place things in my life that set me up for success and will continuously drive me to God – not away from. Either way I am completely certain that something does need to change.
Hope this makes sense? Keep praying for me. :)

God is good!

It has been a crazy good, day to day in the grind, not average week.

Since my not getting a raise, I have been really wondering if it was in fact just a funny coincidence, or if it was actually God's call to action and change. After looking back in my life, I do in fact feel it is God's communication to me to say that it is time to step up and live out the life that he has called me to.

To those who don't know my life story, many, many years ago I felt very strongly that God had called me to foreign missions. Considering my age, I knew very well that God wasn't saying right then, but that one day the call for me to go would come. Not much happened after that, until now.

Honestly since the creation of the blog, time frame wise at least, God has been leading me to a more personal realtionship with himself and refining me when it comes to my relationship with fellow believers, but some of the most notable things that God has repeatedly reminded me of is obediance. Making him the Lord of my life. Living my life in full devotion to him. Not allowing anything else to take place of what should remain sanctified to him.

Not too long ago I remember having a discussion with my sister Brenda about how I felt God was really preparing me for something new and exciting. (How scary that was!) Not too much later it seems crazy for me to imagine myself just sitting here, pretending like I am okay with my Monday thru Friday job.

At this point I have narrowed down my options to two things. I will be visiting NTBI the beginning of March. If I feel comfortable there and think it's something God would approve me to do, then I'll pack my bags for that. If I don't feel certain that it is where I need to be, I'll stay here in the area and enroll in OTC to continue my classes towards a medical degree. Either way, I know that I need to start working towards achieving that next step in preparing myself for the mission field.

At this point, I'm very excited about this. Keep praying for me :D

Day 48

Seriously?

Day 48 - already? Granted it hasn't been a perfectly smooth timeframe, but none the less, wow time flies!

Today I am really getting back into the Word, preparing to pick back up in the Bible in a month schedule tomorrow. Considering February is a shorter month, I am literally going to pick up where I left off, starting on day five.

Right now I am very apprehensive about being in the Word right now. As much as I hate to say this,  I feel like I am just waiting to be told something crazy and mind blowing from God, and that whatever it is, I won't really want to do it. I don't know how much of this is true, but after yesterday, and everything else God has placed on my heart, I don't know what I am waiting for. I feel as though if I were to listen just a bit harder, God would give me clear direction but I'm afraid of that direction, and only allow my prayers and readings to go surface deep.

Why is this?

I think it's fair to say I am a bold person. My personality can be somewhat abrasive at times - so why is it in things that matter most, I back down? Why is it that I struggle with fully allowing God to be the Lord of my life? That's what all of this boils down to. I struggle with allowing him to be the complete, total Lord of my life. When God calls me to obedience, why do I struggle so much to just say, 'Yes Lord!'

As I was reading in Matthew today, I couldn't help but be intimidated by Jesus as he was talking to the disciples. It was the chapters where Jesus is telling the disciples to go out into the cities and heal the sick, perform miracles, shake off the dust - we all know the story.

I think what I get intimidated by is just how purposed Jesus is. I am sure Jesus laughed and smiled and had light hearted times in his life - I'm sure he did - yet we don't see that. What is reflected in his Word is how driven and focused he always was. The simplest of things became a new spiritual lesson, to the point where it almost seems off topic at times.

At one point one of the disciples approaches Jesus and says, "Hey, your mom's looking for you." His response isn't, "Oh, give me a few more minutes. I'll go see what she wants." Of course not. The interruption is worked right into his lesson, "The people that follow the will of the Father - they are my family."

There was never a missed opportunity; to us it may not have even been an opportunity to begin with, yet Jesus was able to make the most of each encounter and circumstance. To me that's intimidating. That's the example I am supposed to follow! I need to be just as kingdom focused as Jesus was! What a challenge!

Not that I have to miss life and seclude myself in a mountain to pursue after holiness, but I do feel that at the end of the day, people that rub shoulders with me should know what my life is about. If people we talk to and associate with don't even know that we are followers of Christ, my are we missing the mark!

I wish that I had words of wisdom right now to sum up my thoughts, but I don't really find I have those words today. I do know that I am looking forward to being at church on Sunday. The body of Christ is such an incredible part that God always intended of his children to be an active part of. I am very blessed by it.

:)

It's almost February

Time flies by! We are already into the year 2013 and the first month is so quickly coming to a close. On top of that, I feel like I haven't blogged in so long. To cut to the chase, some of this stems down to the fact that I haven't read my bible in three days, much to my shame. This is NOT what I want for my life, so I am getting back into the Word today, and preparing to pick back up on reading the bible in a month in just a few short days.

Today was a difficult day for me, truth be told. After a long awaited time to have my end of the year discussion at my job, I got my annual raise. This year, my annual raise was actually nothing. Nothing! Not a penny higher than last year! I would like to say I am bitter or upset - I am shocked and sad because though I feel like I deserved some variance of a compensation of a year well done - but at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with my raise. The numeric’s are my last concern. Honestly I truly cannot help but wonder with a great amount of nervousness what God is planning to do in my life.

I say this because as I was thinking options over around July of last year, I began wondering to myself how I would know what God was telling me to do in the area of leaving. How would I know when I got the green light from God to do this, this, or this? I talked with God and joked over what would be ways he would tell me which thing he wanted me to do.  One of the things that I thought of that would be a 'sign' is that, and I quote my own thoughts here, if I didn't get a raise then that would be God's way of telling me that I should no longer be at Chase and start my life towards the mission field. (At the time of this thought I was very actively pursuing the idea of the World Race, something I STILL want to do)

Normally when I ask a question on here, it is sarcastic, and the answer to my question is meant to be obvious - not this question though. Is this a coincidence? That question I asked myself was a stipulation I placed on my spiritual life as a marker of something crazy that would never happen. I'm very good at my job, so of course I would get a raise. It was more of a joke than anything else. Yet here I stand in January, wondering if this is God's quirky way of saying, "Well if you wanted a tangible sign so badly..."

Am I being assumptive of God; or am I just trying to run from what he might be saying? I don't really know. I don't want to ignore God's call, that's my fear, but I do need clarity from him. So right now, that is my biggest prayer request of all.

Am I being crazy, or is God telling me to pack my bags and get ready for serious change? I don't know.

Day 39

There are days where I don't really want to stop my life and pursue the things of God. There are days where pulling out the Word seems more of an inconvenience than an actual privilege. I know how unchristianlike this may sound, but honestly, it can be absolutely exhausting! On this side of heaven, it will always be a struggle for me to chase after God the way I wish I could. I know that it is important to be in the word. I know very well that I need his influence in my life, yet regardless, there are days where I want nothing more than to take a break and relax.

That's how today has been for me.

I did not want to drag out my devotional book, did not want to blog; I just wanted a day to myself. I do not for a minute 'feel' at all that this is what I want to do. I don't have a reason as to why I feel so passive today,  all I know is that I just don't want to today.

Begrudgingly (very begrudgingly) I brought out my devotional book and  will be reading my bible as though I wanted nothing more than to head dive into the pages, regardless that this really is the last thing on my mind right now.

One thing that I have told other people, the same thing that I am telling myself right now, is that days like this are the most important to invest yourself in God's word. There will be days, many more days in fact, where I feel the exact same; where I just don't feel like serving God today. Regardless, God's call to obedience prevails.

I can't help but think of various characters all across the bible who had been confronted by God to accomplish a task. As God directed his children, most of the things he asked them to do were fairly unwelcomed ideas to that particular individual. God told Moses to go back to Egypt to confront debatably the most powerful man of his time. God called Abraham to sacrifice his long awaited son - the first fruits of a promised nation. After a long pointless day of fishing, Jesus called Peter to cast his net into the lake again, regardless the fact that their luck had been close to nil all day long.

When God called them to obedience, I doubt any of them completed their tasks with a skip in their step and a smile on their face. I would be shocked if that had been the case actually. What God was calling them to do very much negated their earthly wisdom and it brought them to an instant decision of faith.

It isn't easy to obey! When you take out the semantics behind it all, we just don't want to. Much like a child being told to clean their room, when God lovingly tells us what we need to do, we find one word itching to come from our lips: 'No!'

It is hard to fathom how different our bible stories would be had the people we now view as spiritual leaders decided to take a day off and pretend to not hear God's direction. Obedience was so crucial for them! If they had decided to not follow after God's call, imagine what they would have missed! God has blessed their work more than they could have possibly imagined and used them as everlasting pieces and examples in his very Word, an eternal beacon to mankind - what an incredible honor!

The thing that I have to remind myself is that we are working with the same God, meaning that when God calls me to obedience, what am I risking when I say no? That thought is equally as scary.

I don't really want to read my bible and put in the effort needed to keep a relationship with God today. My attitude says I'll do it tomorrow, but God says do it today. As much as I want to be lazy and pretend that I've earned this down time, even I in all my weakness know that I need God every single day and moment.

I may not want to, but I will. I choose to obey God.

Details

Today I was having a discussion with my father while I was at work. This is not something unusual. I have some question or some smart remark and start a chat line, and it goes from there. I often try to pry his brain for opinions and thoughts over something I am reading, options in my life, whatever the case may be.

Without getting into a huge amount of detail, it has been an interesting past few days as circumstances in my life lead me for want of wisdom. Naturally I go to those I trust and tell them what's on my mind and gain feedback from them in attempts to gain wisdom. In addition, I have been in God's word, praying for guidance, the wisdom to know what to do, and the strength to actually do it.

Eloquence aside, it's hard to know exactly what to choose in life. I am a very firm believer that there IS an absolute truth (his name is Jesus Christ.) yet there are so many times in life where we are not choosing between right and wrong. We are choosing between tea or coffee. Blue jeans or sweat pants? To add another dimension, better or best?

Our life is so very full of choices - and they all have impact on us! Choosing the correct path is absolutely crucial in the life of a born-again believer. Throughout the entire bible you can see God expressing the importance of pursuing after wisdom, yet often times we tell ourselves the lie that our decisions don't really matter. What we choose about our jobs, our music, our friends, does not really matter.  It's a small detail. God doesn't care about those areas of our lives. He looks at the heart and teaches us to be followers of him. Small day to day choices don't matter to him in the grand scheme of eternity, so why worry about it?

When worded like that, it is easy to look and say, 'No, that is incorrect.' yet if that is truly how we feel, why do our lives reflect something else? If we understand God DOES care about the tiny, seemingly unimportant details of our lives, then why do we not turn to him about them? Why do we only turn to him when there is something impossible that needs to be done? Are we the judge of what is or is not great to the eyes of God?

When we decide to filter out areas of our life by what we deem to be important or otherwise, we are walking a very dangerous line! When we allow him in as Lord of our life, he becomes the Lord of our life. Lord of the 'I really need to go to the gym more often.' Lord of the 'I hate traffic. Hate it!' and Lord of the 'My sister is driving me nuts!'

He is the creator of life! He can handle the day to day grind of this world better than we ever will be able to!

I ask myself why it is so hard to be honest with God in these small areas of life. For me, it's not that I hoard them from God per say, but because they are such small details, I've never seen it as important so I never even think to allow God's influence over them. A part of me seems to correlate that because God is so 'up there' and so heavenly, there's no way that the day to day details of my life even apply to him!

How could they? He lives in the spiritual realm and that's a realm I catch mere glimpses of! I am very much a part of the physical realm and that is just how it is going to be until I reach the other side of eternity.

I can assure you that God is very aware of the physical realm, and in fact very interested in what his people write off as unimportant. 

Case and point, Leviticus.

I would like to say that after reading the book I gained an appreciation of God's holy nature, but I would be lying. I got to chapter three and shut my bible because my stomach was upset from reading (in vivid detail thank you) about boils and leprosy.

BOILS? Really?! God is moving his people to the promised land and he wants them to know about boils??

Put blunty, it was disgusting! I remember thinking as I was reading, 'Gracious Jesus - do you really have to be so discriptive? I don't want to know!!'

Isn't that funny though? God can beat me in the who can gross who out first game of life! There is nothing I can take to God that he isn't prepared to handle, no matter how large or small.

One thing that I did get out of Leviticus is that God isn't just prepared to walk us through the small day to day choices and situations we come to in life, but he wants to! Throughout the book, God is incredibly specific over what can seem like the tiniest of details to us, yet to God it is important enough that he decides to place these things in his everlasting word. He didn't have to bring any of those details up. He didn't have to explain to his people that touching dead animals is bad; he didn't have to explain any of it. After all, to quote myself earlier, God is so 'up there' and so heavenly, there's no way that the day to day details of my life even apply to him!

How very untrue and assumptive of me. God is the God of all that is so be it trivial or otherwise, he wants us to come to a place where we are willing to devote it all to him.

Day 33

Its crazy to think that just a month ago I was sitting in my car realizing just how badly I needed to allow God into my life and stop my habitual roller coaster style of living.

It's only been one month of my two month goal and I already feel like it has been such an adventure for me as I see God working and changing things around me. As a review for myself, I want to list out where I have seen God working. I want to remind my future self for when I read this again (because I know I will) how faithful God is, as well as how powerful he is to move in my life, personally.

As I have been reading in the past month, I have seen the importance of allowing myself to be apart of the body of Christ. Not soon after, God provided open doors for me to become further involved in the church as I had been praying for. This continues to happen, in fact.

I talked to my youth group about how I know God is leading me to be an encouragement to others. Since then, God has placed multiple people in my life that allow me to talk to them and explain not only where I am spiritually and what God has been showing me, but also allowing me to step in speaking honestly with them in areas of improvement as well.

Something that I didn't pray for but God did anyway, is bring a co worker into my life that is a huge encouragement to me as she is living out her spiritual life! We go to the gym together and talk about what God is doing in our lives, and have real honest communication about the day to day life we are living right now. It is such an encouragement and blessing to me - one that I didn't even know how badly I wanted until it fell right in my lap!

In summary of the past month, the only thought that perfectly fits, is God is moving.

From day one, God is always bringing me to the next step and challenging me to continue to pursue after him. There has never once been a day where he said, 'Well you did good yesterday! Let's take a breather for now, and tomorrow we'll pick it up again.' As I write this with a sort of smirk on my lips,  it's something I think we all struggle with as we serve God. We know we are in the word, we are involved in the church, we pray - SURELY we can handle just one day of doing things on our own?

As obvious as the answer is, it is still a struggle to day by day run back to God because often times I feel so confident that I don't need it.

For where I am today, there are so many different things on my heart that it would be hard to perfectly post everything that I am thinking. The top of the list right now is direction.

Over the past few weeks, I have become less and less satisfied with where I am right now. I know in the past that God has called me to the mission field, and here I am, still in Springfield. That hasn't really bothered me too much before, but lately, I have become rather restless. It's not that I want to pack up my bags and leave right now because with what God is doing in my life, I see that he has me rooted where I am for a reason.

Where I do get restless though, is that I don't have a plan to get out! My youth group leader a few weeks ago said something very simple, but regardless it has stuck with me and really shaped my thinking over what action I plan on taking from here. He said that a dream without a plan, is just a wish.

So true! God may not be calling me to leave today, but I know that he has told me one day I will get that call. Unfortunately, as I am right now, I am not prepared to get up and go.

Granted I have NO idea where God is calling me to go and I don't have the time frames, but if I am not prepared to go, I'll stay where I am now and God will keep on moving right past me. I don't want that at all! When God calls me to go, my answer needs to be YES LORD!

There are four things that I am thinking about as options right now to take my next step in following after God, while also preparing myself for what he has already revealed to me.

1. New Tribes
I will be visiting the campus (and family!) during March, seeing if that is a possible direction God is having me to go. If I were to go, I have NO idea how finances would work out, but that's not a major concern right now. God will provide.

2. OTC/medical
I have always wanted to pursue a career in the medical field, which would be very useful on the field. This option is pretty easy because not TOO much changes, I will just need to be a bit more disciplined with my time and finances come the fall semester.

3. Summer Missions trip
This one is fairly obvious - I want to go on a short terms missions trip maybe for a month or so over the summer. I want to see what God is doing around the world, and break out of the day to day monotony.

4. The World Race
I would LOVE to do the world race, and come July, I will finally be of age to go! This option is incredibly tempting, but incredibly costly, and incredibly insane. I want to do it!

Those are the things that I am thinking about pursing in the future to better prepare myself for what God had called me to. I will be praying about this and praying for direction as he leads me.

Right now these are my prayer requests. If God wants me to go and further my (non-existent) education, I pray he paves the way for that. If he wants me to stay in Springfield and grow, I pray he gives me the patience I need to allow myself to grow and not get discouraged as I see others leave and go around me.

Spiritual Harlots

I often have to stop and just take a moment to laugh at how silly I can be. Sometimes I feel that I get so lost in living the Christian life that I forget what actually makes up my spiritual life - GOD!

Yesterday was a busy day, so busy in fact that once again I found myself laying down for the night, only then realizing that I hadn't once opened the bible that day. This is particularly ironic because my goal was to read the entire bible in a month, however after being sick for a straight six days, this fell by the wayside. For now I read as per usual. Maybe next month. 

I hope this doesn't sound terribly prideful, but overall, I am feeling good about my spiritual life. I see God moving in my life, I see him answering my prayers, I see him opening doors - its a very exciting place to be. I somehow became satisfied with this, and gave myself a pat on the back. I've just got it all together right now. I'm happy. God is moving. God is good. I have everything exactly the way I want it.

As I read my bible last night, God reminded my prideful self just how together I really have it. I was reading Proverbs seven and every time I have read that chapter before, I have always read it in a literal fashion, where it is ultimately saying 'Avoid the harlot.'

Well, check. No harlots here.

As I read through the chapter, almost skimming it at places because this chapter really didn't apply to me, I couldn't help but feel I was missing something. As easy as it is for me to say that I don't struggle with visiting harlots, I had to reflect on not only what I was saying, but also what and who the harlot is. 

The role of the harlot has always been one of interest to me. She tests the bounds of a relationship, and every time one is confronted with her, they will make a decision one way or another. Her offer is simple, yet in its simplicity, deadly. She entices people to negate what they know is best for instant gratification, regardless morals or care of the other person. A harlot ultimately says, "YOU are god. You do what you feel like because you say so."

As much as I had told myself before that this harlot is not someone I need to worry about - is she any different from any sin or any temptation I struggle with today? Is sin's offer any different from hers?

I think not.

As I continued reading the chapter in this mindset, I realized just how easy it is to find yourself in the way of a harlot; in the way of anything that entices you to turn your eyes off God for even a moment. Because we live in a world where we are tied side by side to our sin nature, I dare say there are spiritual harlots everywhere. So many different things catch our eye and we pursue them, negating the God that sacrificed so much to free us from that very sin we are pursuing once more.

It's a horrifying reality.

These past few days I have allowed myself to sort of lay back and take a spiritual breather, because its all going so well. I am very quick to be comfortable with where I am, to the point where I stop chasing after God and filling myself with his influence. As I was reading over Proverbs, I can't help but wonder if this was the case of the young man mentioned.

'I discerned among the youths, a young man void of understanding, Passing through the street near her corner; and he went the way to her house, In the twilight, in the evening, in the black and dark night: And, behold, there met him a woman with the attire of an harlot'

When I read the chapter, I don't get the vibe that he was purposely seeking after evil.  To me, it sounds more like this guy was just going about his day to day life, albeit rather carelessly, when he happens to run into her. In the following versus it shows her seducing him, meaning that he wasn't seeking her attentions directly - if his sole purpose had been to see her, she would've never had to put on such a performance.

Perhaps it was his home town; he may have walked down that roads hundreds of uneventful times without so much as a peep from any ill-wishers. As much as I like to read between the lines, this much IS obvious - he was not on his guard. Though his intention may not have been to walk to her doorstep, in his comfort that's exactly what he did.

How unfortunate for him! The moment he lowers his guard, she is waiting for him and is his very demise just a few versus later.

How very like sin! The moment we think we have it together, sin seems to magically spring forth from the cracks we thought we had once covered so well. How unfortunate for us! We have to actively guard our hearts and constantly, daily, return to the God who fights our battles for us, who gives us joy, and provides us purpose because there are those waiting for just the right moment to tear us to the ground.

We do not stand on our own!

As I was reading my devotions today in Experiencing God, how ironic (not) that the chapter was titled 'Total Dependence on God' and reviewed the fact that we much rely solely on him as we live out our lives here on earth.

Talk about a wake up call!

God does not want us to fall prey to the clutches of sin, but when we boldly walk down the paths of our lives and become comfortable in our stride, certain that what we've already been equipped with will get us through, we will fall!

The bible says 'Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.'

 As much as I would like God to be a flashlight or a set of headlights, he gives us a lamp for direction. It makes it so we have to rely on him, step by step. When we grab that lamp and start with a mad dash onward because 'we've seen this much of the path already so surely we can figure out the rest', we're going to fall down in the darkness.

God is supposed to be the one to lead us, and luckilly for us, he very much so longs to be our trusted guide.

When we allow that to happen, only then do we stand.

Change

I don't know why people get surprised when they see God work, and I mainly say this to myself right now. We pray and pray and pray and when God actually answers, we lift our eyebrows in surprise; shocked to the core that God responded. It is as though we would have been more satisfied to pray for years in repetition than to actually see anything happen. We expect to pray and keep praying - we don't actually expect anything tangible to happen afterwards.

Why is this?

If we don't think God can work through our prayers, why do we pray at all?

Today, I was gifted with one of the most rare, shocking opportunities that can only be explained by God actively working in both his Word, and in my prayer life. As I have been reading and pursuing God, he reveals to me the importance of following him on my own accord - the fact that it is a personal decision I have to make day by day. I have to take my place in the body of Christ as a functioning part - I do not have the luxury of sitting around and doing nothing. God has called me to action! As God shows me where I am lacking and where I am needing to improve to better serve him, I respond to his call and pray that he give me opportunities to exercise and live out what he has chosen to reveal to me.

A part of what God is communicating to me is the need to be an encouragement to people that have fallen and need someone willing to point them in the right direction. God uses his people to point his children back to him, and in most cases, I am the one people have to pick off the ground and say, "Come on Karissa, we can do this together" and so on. One of the first things I prayed to God was that he allow me the opportunity to step up and show fellow believers that I DO care, and that I want to be a part of their life in Christ.

God was very quick to bring me people that need that encouragement and accountability - so many in fact that I am constantly coming back to him for that strength and energy to keep going. It is work to point people to Christ, more so than I would have ever imagined. I cannot tell you how tempting it is to tell these very same people that look to me for direction to say, 'Look. Stop floundering! Either stand or fall, I could care less!'

This is clearly not the message God wants me to give his people. He wants to show them his grace and kindness. He wants to show them his love and perfection, yet at the same time, his unbending holiness. As much as I would love to be a mouth piece for God, I cannot do this day after day like I wish I could. I get tired. I get cranky. I don't like seeing people struggle - I am not God! It takes my going back to God day by day to get a renewed patience and care for the people he has placed in my life. I cannot do it without him! How ironic is it that the very God that sent those people to me, knew very well that I would NEED his strength to keep me going and serving him?

As much as I have been blessed through this process, God continues to push me even further, past what I had ever expected. Today one of my sisters started talking to me about some options in her life. This particular sister is not one that I ever give advice to, never talk to God about, never try to be overly serious with, because she is the one that often leads me to stray from God. In further detail, I have been given the advice from others to run from her because of her ability to influence me.

God seems to enjoy showing me just how powerful and real he is. Out of all the people I would have wanted to give a serious pep talk, pick up the pieces of your life and just do it sort of conversation, she would by far be at the bottom of the list. It's not that I don't love her - she's my sister, of course I care - but there's just so much in the past between us that makes me feel inadequate. I am not able to be a help to her. She has gone through so much, and I am nothing more than her little sister. What could I possibly have to offer her?

Yet what did I talk to her about today - her marriage.

HER MARRIAGE.

As a reminder, I am not married. I am not even in a serious relationship. If there is one area that I really don't have any input in, it is for the area of marriage. As much as I wanted to stop and say, "Hey I don't feel qualified to help you" that's not what happened. I knew that it was God telling me to step in her life because though I don't have personal knowledge of what it takes to patch together a broken marriage, I know someone first hand who created marriage, and knows exactly what it takes to make a broken marriage come together and be a blessing to both people once again. What better knowledge could I have possibly given her?

It is great to give people first hand advice, but at the end of the day, people need to hear the Truth. (Note the capital t. Truth is not an idea, Truth is a person! God IS truth!) The bible says his Word will not return void - we don't have the same guarantee for the advice we give people based off what we have seen in the world, just his Word.

God is so real and so personal. The longer I read his Word the more I see it. We serve a living God. What a blessing!