Over Time and Obstacles

So between working more hours at work, sleeping, then working more hours, mentally making a checklist of what needs to be done to prepare my life for intense change, I realized something very vital. I have no way of actually knowing if this goal of moving away from Missouri to attend New Tribes is even obtainable or not.

What I mean by that, is that currently I am assuming that I can sell my car, assuming I can earn enough funds to get there, assuming that I will make enough money once I am there to cover tuition and my bills, and of course, assuming I will even be accepted to go in the first place.

That's a lot of assumption on my part!

I was expressing this concern to my sister Shara, and I'm not sure if I was looking for her to just nod her head, or give sisterly advice, or what honestly, but her response, though I can't quote it, was the very last thing I wanted to hear.

In short, it was something along the lines of, 'Well, that's why it's called faith.'

This quickly frustrated me, and my response sounded childish to even my ears, but it was something like, 'Well that's easy for YOU to say, you're not the one in this situation' as if God moving in my life was a bad thing.

The second she said it, I knew she was right, but it's so easy to read about faith in the bible, scoff at the disciples when Jesus corrects them for their lack of faith, and turn the page. This makes faith so much more real to me, and so much more difficult.

I hate the fact that it boils down to finances, but sadly, that's my biggest concern. I don't see how I could make ends meet from semester to semester, even if I worked. If I continue to be honest with those who read this, it is tempting to just not do anything at all. I have often thought about just shrugging my shoulders and continuing where I am now at work, yet every time I think about that, a part of me freezes, because I KNOW how unhappy I am out here, and I can't imagine how miserable I would be if I looked at God's moving in the face, and turned the other way.

It hurts to change, yet the idea of not changing hurts even more. I may not be consistent as I would like to be, and I may falter A LOT, but I can honestly say that I value my relationship with Christ, and that I do want to serve him. So... what choice do I have?

I have to go. Somehow.

I don't know how I can possibly do it, but I can look back in my life and see where God's led me in the past, and I know that NTBI would be a good continuation in that direction.

I don't know how 'Christian' this may sound, but I'm not excited right now. I'm frustrated, confused, and stressed out. I want the answers now. I want to know that my way will be covered, and that there isn't any risk on my part. I want to know that if I try so hard where I am now, that it will pay off, and I will have no problem. I don't want to have faith. I just want to SEE it, and walk down a clearly lit path and have all the answers.

I know how contrary this is to what God wants; I know that God wants me to blindly trust Him to lead me day to day.

It's not easy. It is a major struggle for me.

Continue to pray for this situation.

Hello New Tribes!

After many hours of driving, seeing various family members, MANY cups of coffee, and then even more driving, I have safely arrived at NTBI! I arrived Tuesday evening and spent Wednesday and  some of this afternoon with Brenda and Josh. At this point, Catch the Vision has officially started, so I am in a new dorm with new people, and enough life stories and new faces to keep my head spinning for weeks on end.

Oddly enough, as I sit here and type this, the fact I have to leave on Saturday and go BACK to my normal life and away from the awesome people I have met is nothing short of heart breaking. The atmosphere of New Tribes and the passion the place has is incredibly refreshing. Though I have been here for less than a full 48 hours, I feel as though I have been here forever, and that I belong here. I don't want to leave it so easily, because leaving means going back to my job on Monday, and life returns right back to where it left off.

It doesn't have to STAY that way though. I don't have to stay in Missouri and stay discontented with where my life sits. As easy as it would be to go back and let myself slide into my life that I refer to as normal (Sunday, church. Monday-Friday, work. Saturday, coffee. Repeat.) I know that I cannot truly be in God's will and not change.

I wish I could explain half the things I am thinking right now and talk about each and every person I've been able to talk to, but that would make this post painfully long for everyone. Perhaps I will a different night.

Right now I am just very anxious for tomorrow to start so I can continue to meet the new people and understand exactly what New Tribes has to offer, while at the same time wishing time could stretch on so I didn't have to say goodbye and leave the campus so soon.