The past few days have been pretty real to me. Over the past few weeks, I feel that God has been speaking to me about my having such a negative spirit. Though we can laugh about people's bad moods and get great quotes from them (at least I do), when it comes down to it, it's not Godly to be so negative. It just isn't. God wants us to be different and stand out from others, but how can we do that if we are just so angry and bitter about the world around us? What joy can a lost world look to when children of light only grumble and complain? This is a problem!
Without getting into too much detail, I feel very convicted about this in my life. I can look to the person that I know God wants me to be, and see where I have failed. I /want/ to be that person, and I am done making excuses about why I am, or am not who I need to be. While I don't exactly know HOW to become this 'happier' more encouraging and positive individual, I know that there are many positive things I can say about an uplifting, patient God.
Today what I want to do is make a list about the things that I am truly grateful for about God. I don't have a set number - at first I wanted it to be like 25 things, or 50 things that I appreciate, but I don't want it to be fake as I just come up with things to fill a number. I want to write down things that REALLY matter and have personally meant a great deal to me in my life. For those reading this, if you want to make your own list I challenge you to do so! Again I don't know exactly how to go about not being so negative, but I know that if I focus all my attention on such a great God, there won't be anything left to be bitter about. So perhaps seeing where God has blessed others would serve to be a smile on my face and yours :D
Here goes!
1. Being my best friend, even when I was the worst friend in return
2. Simple as it is, just being there. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
3. Always bringing out the best in me - better yet, MAKING the best attributes in me.
4. The fact that you are someone I will never get bored of, and will never be able to 'figure out'
5. Giving me PURPOSE!
6. Being such a good author. And you don't over use exclamation points.
7. That your solutions work. While I don't understand them, it's great to see your plans for mankind. I look forward to when peace on earth is more than just a holiday greeting.
8. For meeting me where I am and being relevant and patient with me - I'm pretty stubborn.
9. Taking the initiative and giving me the next step.
10. For being such a unifying person. It's great how many 'strangers' I relate to, simply because of our common faith.
11. For never being okay with where I am now, and never allowing me to think it's okay either.
12. For caring enough to DO something, and not get frustrated and only doing things halfway.
13. Of course, my salvation. That's such a good churchy term, so what that means to me, is that I CAN have a relationship, that I don't get what I deserve, and that for whatever reason, God sees me as someone he wants to be with for ETURNITY. I don't think there are many people I want to spend literal eternity with, and I know how eh, annoying I can be sometimes. I really like the fact that God WANTS me to be around. Makes it so I want to be around him too :D
For right now, that's what I've got. My goal is to be in the Word and let his truths reform my thinking until I am more aligned to what He wants me to be. I don't want to be negative, and I don't want to drain people when they are around me. I want to be an encouragement to others that are in the day to day walk with Christ as I am.
Focus
Posted by
Karissa
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Continuing in my reflective, spiritual roll call at where I am, my thoughts as of late, and what I feel I've learned (or been reminded of) in response, these are my more rescent findings. (As my father would likely say, growing pains, which are no fun!)
I've had my fair share of frustrations as of late on my spiritual walk. Surprisingly, it's not the larger events that are leading me to this frustration. While there has been definiate changes in my life recently, they are not an overall issue. While they have brought up no doubt questions as my life is being redirected, my recent setbacks have been smaller - to be precise, my own failures and inconsistencies in my own spiritual walk.
I've said it here before, but I don't like messing up and failing God. I am not trying to sound super spiritual, but I don't know how else to word it - it really gets to me. I hate the fact that I am SO bad at doing what I know to be right. Though I know it won't help anything, my first reaction is to throw up my hands and say, 'I tried, and failed, and I'm done.' and just walk away. Again being honest here Christians, who wants to fail over and over and over again? People's lowest places in life are often accompanied by the statement or thought, 'I feel like a complete failure'
It's not fun when you've given something an honest effort and see virtually no results. Pride or otherwise, trying and failing stings on such a personal degree, doesn't it? Isn't it so much easier to keep doing the things you already excel at? This is how I feel often times on my spiritual walk. I hate messing up, and the knowledge that I very likely will KEEP messing up is discouraging.
For those who know me well, it will not be a shock to hear that I am a 'glass is half empty' kind of person. 'I'm not negative - I'm realistic' is often how I explain it, because as you can see, the glass IS half empty after all.
Without really noticing it, this negative attitude seemed to have snuck its way into my Bible reading as of late. For a few days, I was rather upset and frustrated with how difficult things were on earth. It frustrated me at how hard it was do so something so simple, while consistently live in a way that is pleasing to God. What Christ has given us to do in and of itself doesn't SOUND that hard, yet is incredibly challenging to accomplish.
What got me so frustrated reading through Matthew, was just how often it was that the disciples didn't get it. They saw first hand so many miracles and signs, and various times they are in shock, confessing, 'Wow, you really ARE the Son of God' - in my head I'm thinking 'Didn't we just get that established a few chapters ago?? Did you forget what you saw? How can you possibly be so blind?'
Now me being my negative self, this got me thinking. How is it that people exposed to so much God (for lack of a better term) can be so faithless? For people that saw things no other man could do unless he were the Son of God, they were pretty clueless. It's like they learned nothing at all!
Upon reading that, this here is what I got out of it:
If they can't do it, then how in the world am I going to?
And that thought, twisted and negative in nature, yet to myself, a valid question, put me in a slump. If these men who walked around with God himself before and after death couldn't even have an ounce of faith - often missed the picture time and time again, then there was no hope for me! I know very well how miserable I am when I am not in the Word and walking with God as I should be - contrawise though - the idea of constantly missing the picture and always having to relearn the same things over and over again doesn't sound all that great either.
For a few days, I was in a rather unpleasant mood. I remember sitting back on my porch, playing my guitar, only singing half the words because I couldn't bring conviction into what I was attempting to sing. I just couldn't get over it. Why was God calling me to be faithful when his own desciples couldn't do it half the time? How frustrating! I feel bad enough when I am unfaithful, and if the deciples are any indicator, I'm doomed to live a life of missed opportunity and countless mistakes. Was there any way I could ever be victorious and happy with my relationship with Him if I was doomed to fail each time I tried? If that was how things were going to be, was it worth trying? While I knew these thoughts were ridiculous, I couldn't seem to find an answer, so it only served to upset me further. What was I doing wrong?
I decided to title this entry as 'focus', because for where I am right now in the day to day grind of my walk with Christ, I feel this is my ultimate stumbling block - not my failures and unfaithfulness to God as I had initially thought. As I took a step back and began dwelling on the stories, I realized my focus from beginning to end was all wrong.
The focus of the Bible has never been about a terrible people that can't do a single thing right, though that often seems to be the case when looked at with a critical eye. If that's the mindset you are reading with, then like myself, you will miss the entire purpose of the Bible, and it's very possible that you too will glean things out of the Word that aren't at all what's being said.
God's Word has never been a how-to story of people and their great successes in life, but rather a perfect God who is the solution to our sin nature! It is a story detailing His holiness, His loving nature, and a historical record of His efforts to redeem creation. When we shift our focus off the main character, and onto the 'side characters', the story becomes jaded and we miss vital lessons that the Father has placed in the Word for our benefit.
Instead of focusing on how often Peter has his 'foot in mouth' moments, it would be a much more impacting (and much more encouraging!) lesson to see how Jesus never stops being graceful and compassionate towards people - how patient he is through mistakes, and how he always guides his followers to the next step in their walk with Him - be it reaffirming his identity as Messiah, or seeing Him in a new light that grows them closer to him.
If I am so focused on MY mistakes, on MY shortcomings, and MY inability to serve to where I feel I should, then it is no wonder I am getting frustrated and feeling unfulfilled in my walk as of late! If I am so focused on myself and my own problems, that doesn't leave any room for God - of course there is going to be a problem!
Now bear in mind, it is not a bad thing to keep yourself accountable! We should often be giving ourselves a reality check and constantly comparing our lives to the truth of God's Word - where the issue lies is when we get so caught up in our mental checklist that we turn our focus off from Him and onto ourselves. While our intentions may have started well, they can end in a degrading, negative attitude that pulls our focus inward, not upward.
I do say this to myself really, because it is a shame to be so negative when we are such a blessed people. I am not referring to the things and 'stuff' we have, though that is certainly a blessing in and of itself, what I am in reference towards is the fact that we, as children of God have direct access to Him. We are a chosen people. We are so, so special! How silly it is to ever have a negative spirit when we are just SO blessed to even be allowed access to Him. It's sad that we can be compelled to turn our eyes off Him for a moment in favor of something else - especially if that something is beating ourselves up because of our shortcomings.
Recent blessings, in some odd summary I guess, is that I did get the schedule change I requested. This means I'll be able to get more involved in church activities! Also, where I moved into is a really great Christian environment. My roommate is a fantastic girl named Joanna and she is a great, encouraging person to be around. This is something I’ll post about later, because it’s defiantly worth mentioning!
I've had my fair share of frustrations as of late on my spiritual walk. Surprisingly, it's not the larger events that are leading me to this frustration. While there has been definiate changes in my life recently, they are not an overall issue. While they have brought up no doubt questions as my life is being redirected, my recent setbacks have been smaller - to be precise, my own failures and inconsistencies in my own spiritual walk.
I've said it here before, but I don't like messing up and failing God. I am not trying to sound super spiritual, but I don't know how else to word it - it really gets to me. I hate the fact that I am SO bad at doing what I know to be right. Though I know it won't help anything, my first reaction is to throw up my hands and say, 'I tried, and failed, and I'm done.' and just walk away. Again being honest here Christians, who wants to fail over and over and over again? People's lowest places in life are often accompanied by the statement or thought, 'I feel like a complete failure'
It's not fun when you've given something an honest effort and see virtually no results. Pride or otherwise, trying and failing stings on such a personal degree, doesn't it? Isn't it so much easier to keep doing the things you already excel at? This is how I feel often times on my spiritual walk. I hate messing up, and the knowledge that I very likely will KEEP messing up is discouraging.
For those who know me well, it will not be a shock to hear that I am a 'glass is half empty' kind of person. 'I'm not negative - I'm realistic' is often how I explain it, because as you can see, the glass IS half empty after all.
Without really noticing it, this negative attitude seemed to have snuck its way into my Bible reading as of late. For a few days, I was rather upset and frustrated with how difficult things were on earth. It frustrated me at how hard it was do so something so simple, while consistently live in a way that is pleasing to God. What Christ has given us to do in and of itself doesn't SOUND that hard, yet is incredibly challenging to accomplish.
What got me so frustrated reading through Matthew, was just how often it was that the disciples didn't get it. They saw first hand so many miracles and signs, and various times they are in shock, confessing, 'Wow, you really ARE the Son of God' - in my head I'm thinking 'Didn't we just get that established a few chapters ago?? Did you forget what you saw? How can you possibly be so blind?'
Now me being my negative self, this got me thinking. How is it that people exposed to so much God (for lack of a better term) can be so faithless? For people that saw things no other man could do unless he were the Son of God, they were pretty clueless. It's like they learned nothing at all!
Upon reading that, this here is what I got out of it:
If they can't do it, then how in the world am I going to?
And that thought, twisted and negative in nature, yet to myself, a valid question, put me in a slump. If these men who walked around with God himself before and after death couldn't even have an ounce of faith - often missed the picture time and time again, then there was no hope for me! I know very well how miserable I am when I am not in the Word and walking with God as I should be - contrawise though - the idea of constantly missing the picture and always having to relearn the same things over and over again doesn't sound all that great either.
For a few days, I was in a rather unpleasant mood. I remember sitting back on my porch, playing my guitar, only singing half the words because I couldn't bring conviction into what I was attempting to sing. I just couldn't get over it. Why was God calling me to be faithful when his own desciples couldn't do it half the time? How frustrating! I feel bad enough when I am unfaithful, and if the deciples are any indicator, I'm doomed to live a life of missed opportunity and countless mistakes. Was there any way I could ever be victorious and happy with my relationship with Him if I was doomed to fail each time I tried? If that was how things were going to be, was it worth trying? While I knew these thoughts were ridiculous, I couldn't seem to find an answer, so it only served to upset me further. What was I doing wrong?
I decided to title this entry as 'focus', because for where I am right now in the day to day grind of my walk with Christ, I feel this is my ultimate stumbling block - not my failures and unfaithfulness to God as I had initially thought. As I took a step back and began dwelling on the stories, I realized my focus from beginning to end was all wrong.
The focus of the Bible has never been about a terrible people that can't do a single thing right, though that often seems to be the case when looked at with a critical eye. If that's the mindset you are reading with, then like myself, you will miss the entire purpose of the Bible, and it's very possible that you too will glean things out of the Word that aren't at all what's being said.
God's Word has never been a how-to story of people and their great successes in life, but rather a perfect God who is the solution to our sin nature! It is a story detailing His holiness, His loving nature, and a historical record of His efforts to redeem creation. When we shift our focus off the main character, and onto the 'side characters', the story becomes jaded and we miss vital lessons that the Father has placed in the Word for our benefit.
Instead of focusing on how often Peter has his 'foot in mouth' moments, it would be a much more impacting (and much more encouraging!) lesson to see how Jesus never stops being graceful and compassionate towards people - how patient he is through mistakes, and how he always guides his followers to the next step in their walk with Him - be it reaffirming his identity as Messiah, or seeing Him in a new light that grows them closer to him.
If I am so focused on MY mistakes, on MY shortcomings, and MY inability to serve to where I feel I should, then it is no wonder I am getting frustrated and feeling unfulfilled in my walk as of late! If I am so focused on myself and my own problems, that doesn't leave any room for God - of course there is going to be a problem!
Now bear in mind, it is not a bad thing to keep yourself accountable! We should often be giving ourselves a reality check and constantly comparing our lives to the truth of God's Word - where the issue lies is when we get so caught up in our mental checklist that we turn our focus off from Him and onto ourselves. While our intentions may have started well, they can end in a degrading, negative attitude that pulls our focus inward, not upward.
I do say this to myself really, because it is a shame to be so negative when we are such a blessed people. I am not referring to the things and 'stuff' we have, though that is certainly a blessing in and of itself, what I am in reference towards is the fact that we, as children of God have direct access to Him. We are a chosen people. We are so, so special! How silly it is to ever have a negative spirit when we are just SO blessed to even be allowed access to Him. It's sad that we can be compelled to turn our eyes off Him for a moment in favor of something else - especially if that something is beating ourselves up because of our shortcomings.
Recent blessings, in some odd summary I guess, is that I did get the schedule change I requested. This means I'll be able to get more involved in church activities! Also, where I moved into is a really great Christian environment. My roommate is a fantastic girl named Joanna and she is a great, encouraging person to be around. This is something I’ll post about later, because it’s defiantly worth mentioning!
Update!
Posted by
Karissa
comments (0)
As usual, it seems as though I have so much to say between this update and the last. Perhaps the biggest update is that through all the back and forthness between my attempts to get out to NTBI, in the end, it seems it will be a better plan to wait it off for a year to try to pay down some debt I've gathered, and possibly try to get rid of my car? I'm not sure yet. In summary though, it is certain that I will not be attending that school this semester and am staying here in Springfield for a while longer.
I will admit it was slightly discouraging to come SO close and miss the opportunity due to finances not being there, but while I am not excited about that closed door, I am very optimistic towards the doors that are opening, and may continue to open in the future for me. In the short time of my 'YES I AM GOING' to the now reality of, 'Aw Snap no I'm not' - so much has had to change!
One of the current changes that I have asked various people to be in prayer about it, is a schedule change at work. My current schedule is Monday thru Friday noon to nine, however because it is a night schedule, it means that ministries I'd want to be involved in (Freeway, Wednesday night Service, Southside Outside) I just can't attend. The schedule I am aiming for is Monday thru Friday seven thirty AM (YIKES!!) to three thirty PM. I talked with my manager about it today to see if there are any updates, and he says while he can't guarantee anything, he believes that I am first in line for a schedule change out of the people that requested it. Great news!
Also, with my roommate moving out last week, I too started looking for a new place to stay, and with where the time frames fell between family vacation and the start of a new month, it left me about one week to find a new place to stay. After searching, I was able to secure a place that will be a great change for the better. I can honestly say that without the help of others, I would NOT have been able to make the move at all. Further blessings on this being that Josh and Brenda are being pretty gracious when it comes to moving, so it is making the move as stress free as possible, all things considered. I moved the majority of my things out yesterday, and now simply have more cleaning and such to attend to.
The past few days have mainly consisted of me accepting the fact that I'm not moving, and has lead to a lot of reflections on my life - some good things - growth that I'm proud of - but other things that make me want to shy away from this examination. This is something that's been on my mind in result of this, and I wanted to share it. I've been thinking about how people take their relationship with God. Some of my thoughts all sparked from yesterday when I was moving into the new house; my neighbor has the famous 'Coexist' bumper sticker on his/her car. I remember once I was talking to my Dad about how frustrating and confusing it could be when people refer to God as if he were multiple different persons based off what that individual was looking for.
In the past I've heard things like 'MY God is a loving God' or 'Well that's not the God I serve'
The way I see it, there is only ONE God, and you either serve Him, or you don't. Because there is only one God and he is constant and unchanging, either you know Him and serve Him, or what you've created is an idol in His place.
When you have a confrontation with God, you change. Either you choose to walk away, or you believe in His truth and adjust your life accordingly. Yet often times when I hear people talk about their beliefs or the fact they go to church, they speak as though God is the one who changes when He is confronted by them.
'I divorced my husband because he was a bad man. The God I serve and go to church for understands that. I did the right thing.'
That was the subject one of my coworkers were discussing as she was sharing her faith with others some time back. When she heard that God was opposed to divorce, she left the church, but when she sat back and thought about it, she knew HER God didn't condemn her, and in fact supported her decision. She is loyal to the church and her god to this day.
What bothers me about this line of thought is simply this - when confronted with God, the proper response is to change. There cannot be a middle road of 'Yes I know this is contrary to God's Word, but I am special. So special that this book that details God's provision and plan for my life actually does not apply. I can do what I want, and keep my relationship with God up on the side.'
That last thought is a bit extreme, but isn't that what we do? We disillusion ourselves to try to justify that we are different - that we can have it both ways. For me, I feel quite passionate about this, because this is really where I am in my life right now. I am not above this, this is where I am residing and a reality I fight day by day! I'm ashamed to say it's a battle I often loose.
I want to live the way I want to, but because I am God's child, I will always be drawn to Him, even in times where I am slacking in my walk with Him. The message of that bumper sticker 'Coexist' is not possible. God cannot "coexist" with sin. I understand the message is to accept other religions, and while I'm not on a witch hunt here, I know very well that there is ONE way to heaven, and when I'm telling other people 'Hey, you've got your own way so that's great if that works for you' then I am doing them a HORRIBLE injustice.
Giving an honest review of my life and relationship with Him,I have a long way to go. I'm not faithful, I'm very hypocritical, and frankly, live life like the very people that frustrate me. I want God AND my way.
The two cannot coexist though - we can try to ram them together as best as we can, but it is truly impossible. That's the thought that keeps grating me. There is no such thing as 'coexisting' with God. We either reject Him as Lord and Messiah, or we believe in his Son. When we come into His family through Jesus, we are a NEW creature. We are 100% different because we were once spiritually dead, and now we are alive. We cannot be who we were before and expect our relationship with God to flourish. Again, the proper thing to do when confronted with truth, is to change - to match your life up to the truth revealed in His word. That's what I plan to do. As much as I want my way, God's proved faithful time and time again, so I know His way is best.
I will admit it was slightly discouraging to come SO close and miss the opportunity due to finances not being there, but while I am not excited about that closed door, I am very optimistic towards the doors that are opening, and may continue to open in the future for me. In the short time of my 'YES I AM GOING' to the now reality of, 'Aw Snap no I'm not' - so much has had to change!
One of the current changes that I have asked various people to be in prayer about it, is a schedule change at work. My current schedule is Monday thru Friday noon to nine, however because it is a night schedule, it means that ministries I'd want to be involved in (Freeway, Wednesday night Service, Southside Outside) I just can't attend. The schedule I am aiming for is Monday thru Friday seven thirty AM (YIKES!!) to three thirty PM. I talked with my manager about it today to see if there are any updates, and he says while he can't guarantee anything, he believes that I am first in line for a schedule change out of the people that requested it. Great news!
Also, with my roommate moving out last week, I too started looking for a new place to stay, and with where the time frames fell between family vacation and the start of a new month, it left me about one week to find a new place to stay. After searching, I was able to secure a place that will be a great change for the better. I can honestly say that without the help of others, I would NOT have been able to make the move at all. Further blessings on this being that Josh and Brenda are being pretty gracious when it comes to moving, so it is making the move as stress free as possible, all things considered. I moved the majority of my things out yesterday, and now simply have more cleaning and such to attend to.
The past few days have mainly consisted of me accepting the fact that I'm not moving, and has lead to a lot of reflections on my life - some good things - growth that I'm proud of - but other things that make me want to shy away from this examination. This is something that's been on my mind in result of this, and I wanted to share it. I've been thinking about how people take their relationship with God. Some of my thoughts all sparked from yesterday when I was moving into the new house; my neighbor has the famous 'Coexist' bumper sticker on his/her car. I remember once I was talking to my Dad about how frustrating and confusing it could be when people refer to God as if he were multiple different persons based off what that individual was looking for.
In the past I've heard things like 'MY God is a loving God' or 'Well that's not the God I serve'
The way I see it, there is only ONE God, and you either serve Him, or you don't. Because there is only one God and he is constant and unchanging, either you know Him and serve Him, or what you've created is an idol in His place.
When you have a confrontation with God, you change. Either you choose to walk away, or you believe in His truth and adjust your life accordingly. Yet often times when I hear people talk about their beliefs or the fact they go to church, they speak as though God is the one who changes when He is confronted by them.
'I divorced my husband because he was a bad man. The God I serve and go to church for understands that. I did the right thing.'
That was the subject one of my coworkers were discussing as she was sharing her faith with others some time back. When she heard that God was opposed to divorce, she left the church, but when she sat back and thought about it, she knew HER God didn't condemn her, and in fact supported her decision. She is loyal to the church and her god to this day.
What bothers me about this line of thought is simply this - when confronted with God, the proper response is to change. There cannot be a middle road of 'Yes I know this is contrary to God's Word, but I am special. So special that this book that details God's provision and plan for my life actually does not apply. I can do what I want, and keep my relationship with God up on the side.'
That last thought is a bit extreme, but isn't that what we do? We disillusion ourselves to try to justify that we are different - that we can have it both ways. For me, I feel quite passionate about this, because this is really where I am in my life right now. I am not above this, this is where I am residing and a reality I fight day by day! I'm ashamed to say it's a battle I often loose.
I want to live the way I want to, but because I am God's child, I will always be drawn to Him, even in times where I am slacking in my walk with Him. The message of that bumper sticker 'Coexist' is not possible. God cannot "coexist" with sin. I understand the message is to accept other religions, and while I'm not on a witch hunt here, I know very well that there is ONE way to heaven, and when I'm telling other people 'Hey, you've got your own way so that's great if that works for you' then I am doing them a HORRIBLE injustice.
Giving an honest review of my life and relationship with Him,I have a long way to go. I'm not faithful, I'm very hypocritical, and frankly, live life like the very people that frustrate me. I want God AND my way.
The two cannot coexist though - we can try to ram them together as best as we can, but it is truly impossible. That's the thought that keeps grating me. There is no such thing as 'coexisting' with God. We either reject Him as Lord and Messiah, or we believe in his Son. When we come into His family through Jesus, we are a NEW creature. We are 100% different because we were once spiritually dead, and now we are alive. We cannot be who we were before and expect our relationship with God to flourish. Again, the proper thing to do when confronted with truth, is to change - to match your life up to the truth revealed in His word. That's what I plan to do. As much as I want my way, God's proved faithful time and time again, so I know His way is best.
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