Focus

Continuing in my reflective, spiritual roll call at where I am, my thoughts as of late, and what I feel I've learned (or been reminded of) in response, these are my more rescent findings. (As my father would likely say, growing pains, which are no fun!)

I've had my fair share of frustrations as of late on my spiritual walk. Surprisingly, it's not the larger events that are leading me to this frustration. While there has been definiate changes in my life recently, they are not an overall issue. While they have brought up no doubt questions as my life is being redirected, my recent setbacks have been smaller - to be precise, my own failures and inconsistencies in my own spiritual walk.

I've said it here before, but I don't like messing up and failing God. I am not trying to sound super spiritual, but I don't know how else to word it - it really gets to me. I hate the fact that I am SO bad at doing what I know to be right. Though I know it won't help anything, my first reaction is to throw up my hands and say, 'I tried, and failed, and I'm done.' and just walk away. Again being honest here Christians, who wants to fail over and over and over again? People's lowest places in life are often accompanied by the statement or thought, 'I feel like a complete failure'

It's not fun when you've given something an honest effort and see virtually no results. Pride or otherwise, trying and failing stings on such a personal degree, doesn't it? Isn't it so much easier to keep doing the things you already excel at? This is how I feel often times on my spiritual walk. I hate messing up, and the knowledge that I very likely will KEEP messing up is discouraging.

For those who know me well, it will not be a shock to hear that I am a 'glass is half empty' kind of person. 'I'm not negative - I'm realistic' is often how I explain it, because as you can see, the glass IS half empty after all.

Without really noticing it, this negative attitude seemed to have snuck its way into my Bible reading as of late. For a few days, I was rather upset and frustrated with how difficult things were on earth. It frustrated me at how hard it was do so something so simple, while consistently live in a way that is pleasing to God. What Christ has given us to do in and of itself doesn't SOUND that hard, yet is incredibly challenging to accomplish.

What got me so frustrated reading through Matthew, was just how often it was that the disciples didn't get it. They saw first hand so many miracles and signs, and various times they are in shock, confessing, 'Wow, you really ARE the Son of God' - in my head I'm thinking 'Didn't we just get that established a few chapters ago?? Did you forget what you saw? How can you possibly be so blind?'

Now me being my negative self, this got me thinking. How is it that people exposed to so much God (for lack of a better term) can be so faithless? For people that saw things no other man could do unless he were the Son of God, they were pretty clueless. It's like they learned nothing at all!

Upon reading that, this here is what I got out of it:

If they can't do it, then how in the world am I going to?

And that thought, twisted and negative in nature, yet to myself, a valid question, put me in a slump. If these men who walked around with God himself before and after death couldn't even have an ounce of faith - often missed the picture time and time again, then there was no hope for me! I know very well how miserable I am when I am not in the Word and walking with God as I should be - contrawise though - the idea of constantly missing the picture and always having to relearn the same things over and over again doesn't sound all that great either.

For a few days, I was in a rather unpleasant mood. I remember sitting back on my porch, playing my guitar, only singing half the words because I couldn't bring conviction into what I was attempting to sing. I just couldn't get over it. Why was God calling me to be faithful when his own desciples couldn't do it half the time? How frustrating! I feel bad enough when I am unfaithful, and if the deciples are any indicator, I'm doomed to live a life of missed opportunity and countless mistakes. Was there any way I could ever be victorious and happy with my relationship with Him if I was doomed to fail each time I tried? If that was how things were going to be, was it worth trying? While I knew these thoughts were ridiculous, I couldn't seem to find an answer, so it only served to upset me further. What was I doing wrong?

I decided to title this entry as 'focus', because for where I am right now in the day to day grind of my walk with Christ, I feel this is my ultimate stumbling block - not my failures and unfaithfulness to God as I had initially thought. As I took a step back and began dwelling on the stories, I realized my focus from beginning to end was all wrong.

The focus of the Bible has never been about a terrible people that can't do a single thing right, though that often seems to be the case when looked at with a critical eye. If that's the mindset you are reading with, then like myself, you will miss the entire purpose of the Bible, and it's very possible that you too will glean things out of the Word that aren't at all what's being said.

God's Word has never been a how-to story of people and their great successes in life, but rather a perfect God who is the solution to our sin nature! It is a story detailing His holiness, His loving nature, and a historical record of His efforts to redeem creation. When we shift our focus off the main character, and onto the 'side characters', the story becomes jaded and we miss vital lessons that the Father has placed in the Word for our benefit.

Instead of focusing on how often Peter has his 'foot in mouth' moments, it would be a much more impacting (and much more encouraging!) lesson to see how Jesus never stops being graceful and compassionate towards people - how patient he is through mistakes, and how he always guides his followers to the next step in their walk with Him - be it reaffirming his identity as Messiah, or seeing Him in a new light that grows them closer to him.

If I am so focused on MY mistakes, on MY shortcomings, and MY inability to serve to where I feel I should, then it is no wonder I am getting frustrated and feeling unfulfilled in my walk as of late! If I am so focused on myself and my own problems, that doesn't leave any room for God - of course there is going to be a problem!

Now bear in mind, it is not a bad thing to keep yourself accountable! We should often be giving ourselves a reality check and constantly comparing our lives to the truth of God's Word - where the issue lies is when we get so caught up in our mental checklist that we turn our focus off from Him and onto ourselves. While our intentions may have started well, they can end in a degrading, negative attitude that pulls our focus inward, not upward.

I do say this to myself really, because it is a shame to be so negative when we are such a blessed people. I am not referring to the things and 'stuff' we have, though that is certainly a blessing in and of itself, what I am in reference towards is the fact that we, as children of God have direct access to Him. We are a chosen people. We are so, so special! How silly it is to ever have a negative spirit when we are just SO blessed to even be allowed access to Him. It's sad that we can be compelled to turn our eyes off Him for a moment in favor of something else - especially if that something is beating ourselves up because of our shortcomings.

Recent blessings, in some odd summary I guess, is that I did get the schedule change I requested. This means I'll be able to get more involved in church activities! Also, where I moved into is a really great Christian environment. My roommate is a fantastic girl named Joanna and she is a great, encouraging person to be around. This is something I’ll post about later, because it’s defiantly worth mentioning!