Time to Update!

Goodness it's been a while since I've made an update to my blog, which is quite a shame because so much has happened between now and my previous update. I am still trying to figure out the details over the next steps I want to take to bring myself to a better place to serve God.

While I would like to see myself head out to NTBI in August, the option of staying here in Springfield has its benefits as well. For now I am trying to avoid making a decision as best possible because I'll be honest, thinking too much about it really stresses me out, and considering college doesn't start until August, the stress really isn't necessary at this point.

For right now, what's on my heart is a small excerpt in Acts. Pastor James was recently using it in a sermon, and it has been stuck in my mind since then.

On the morrow, as they went on their journey, and drew nigh unto the city, Peter went up upon the housetop to pray about the sixth hour:
And he became very hungry, and would have eaten: but while they made ready, he fell into a trance,
And saw heaven opened, and a certain vessel descending unto him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth:
Wherein were all manner of fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air.
And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat.
But Peter said, Not so, Lord; for I have never eaten any thing that is common or unclean.
And the voice spake unto him again the second time, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common.
This was done thrice: and the vessel was received up again into heaven.
(Acts 10: 9-16)

For me, the specific verse that speaks out the most is verse fifteen, where Peter is corrected in assuming the animals seen in his vision to be unclean, therefore inedible. For me, this hits so close to home right now.

Often times, I am so quick to assume myself to be in the category of unclean, unusable, and unworthy. I know my heart, I know my struggles, and I know my inconsistencies. I can see my failures, see a perfect God and say to myself, 'There is no way I can serve and follow God now. Not anymore.'  While many of these things negative qualities WOULD be true of myself, God has sanctified me with his Son. God has called me to serve and honor him, no matter where I am in my walk. Through his Son, I am righteous.

Being very honest here, I don't say that last line with conviction. It is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that God calls me clean and righteous. It's one of the things I know in my head, but haven't fully been able to come to terms with in my walk with Him. It's hard to look at my life and say, this is the picture of a justified Saint.

...Me?? Are you kidding me?

I don't know if that's the terms Peter would have said if he were alive in today's timeframe, but that the tone I see him using in his vision. "Me?? Kill and eat what exactly? Lord, I've never done that before, ever. It's unclean! Are you kidding me??"

I somewhat debate with myself what may have caused that reaction from Peter, to tell God a flat 'No. ‘Part of me says it was pride being raised Jewish; tradition just would not permit him to change. Another part, perhaps the more gracious, understanding side of me, would like to believe it wasn't him being stubborn, he simply didn't understand why he was suddenly being called to do something that made absolutely no sense to him.

He was raised to believe that those things were unclean. It would be a sin to eat them! If God told me to do something that negated everything I had been raised to believe was right, I will be the first to admit that I would be getting my ears checked, asking all my friends and family if I had heard right. Certainly it can't be God telling me to do this thing, right?

It's easy for us to miss the mark when it comes to spiritual things because we don't have the same perspective that God does. It was soon after revealed to Peter why he received that puzzling vision, but the fact that Peter didn't know that before hand, I can very well see why he wasn't instantly sharpening his best animal killing cleaver. (If they had such a thing.)

Without going into details, a few things have been brought to my attention lately, where people have come to me in some variant, seeing me as someone worthy to assist as a fellow believer. Though I am excited for these new opportunities, I'd be lying if I said that I was one hundred percent sold out to it.

A part of me still feels unworthy, unclean, and unusable. Though I have long wanted to step up and be used in the ministry and make a difference for Christ, the second I get stepping stones in that direction - I hesitate. Something mentally seems to say, 'YOU, helping guide and encourage others? HA!' It seems like just yesterday I was floundering and unable to keep in God's word, and it's still a day to day struggle. Somehow I am now helping others in their walk?

Last night I couldn't sleep because that verse kept ringing in my ear, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common.

In short, I don't 'feel' cleansed. I don't 'feel' like I am sanctified, or that I am worthy to be used of God in any way, shape or form - but luckily, that's not my judgment call to make. That decision belongs to God alone, who has decided that I am worthy, and that I should be used to admonish and encourage others. It's very humbling.

I don't know what God has called me to do, but I do know I want to serve him. I value my relationship with him, and while I feel like I fall down more than anything else, it's a journey that's well worth living for, wherever it takes me, whatever bruises and scrapes I may acquire along the way.

Over Time and Obstacles

So between working more hours at work, sleeping, then working more hours, mentally making a checklist of what needs to be done to prepare my life for intense change, I realized something very vital. I have no way of actually knowing if this goal of moving away from Missouri to attend New Tribes is even obtainable or not.

What I mean by that, is that currently I am assuming that I can sell my car, assuming I can earn enough funds to get there, assuming that I will make enough money once I am there to cover tuition and my bills, and of course, assuming I will even be accepted to go in the first place.

That's a lot of assumption on my part!

I was expressing this concern to my sister Shara, and I'm not sure if I was looking for her to just nod her head, or give sisterly advice, or what honestly, but her response, though I can't quote it, was the very last thing I wanted to hear.

In short, it was something along the lines of, 'Well, that's why it's called faith.'

This quickly frustrated me, and my response sounded childish to even my ears, but it was something like, 'Well that's easy for YOU to say, you're not the one in this situation' as if God moving in my life was a bad thing.

The second she said it, I knew she was right, but it's so easy to read about faith in the bible, scoff at the disciples when Jesus corrects them for their lack of faith, and turn the page. This makes faith so much more real to me, and so much more difficult.

I hate the fact that it boils down to finances, but sadly, that's my biggest concern. I don't see how I could make ends meet from semester to semester, even if I worked. If I continue to be honest with those who read this, it is tempting to just not do anything at all. I have often thought about just shrugging my shoulders and continuing where I am now at work, yet every time I think about that, a part of me freezes, because I KNOW how unhappy I am out here, and I can't imagine how miserable I would be if I looked at God's moving in the face, and turned the other way.

It hurts to change, yet the idea of not changing hurts even more. I may not be consistent as I would like to be, and I may falter A LOT, but I can honestly say that I value my relationship with Christ, and that I do want to serve him. So... what choice do I have?

I have to go. Somehow.

I don't know how I can possibly do it, but I can look back in my life and see where God's led me in the past, and I know that NTBI would be a good continuation in that direction.

I don't know how 'Christian' this may sound, but I'm not excited right now. I'm frustrated, confused, and stressed out. I want the answers now. I want to know that my way will be covered, and that there isn't any risk on my part. I want to know that if I try so hard where I am now, that it will pay off, and I will have no problem. I don't want to have faith. I just want to SEE it, and walk down a clearly lit path and have all the answers.

I know how contrary this is to what God wants; I know that God wants me to blindly trust Him to lead me day to day.

It's not easy. It is a major struggle for me.

Continue to pray for this situation.

Hello New Tribes!

After many hours of driving, seeing various family members, MANY cups of coffee, and then even more driving, I have safely arrived at NTBI! I arrived Tuesday evening and spent Wednesday and  some of this afternoon with Brenda and Josh. At this point, Catch the Vision has officially started, so I am in a new dorm with new people, and enough life stories and new faces to keep my head spinning for weeks on end.

Oddly enough, as I sit here and type this, the fact I have to leave on Saturday and go BACK to my normal life and away from the awesome people I have met is nothing short of heart breaking. The atmosphere of New Tribes and the passion the place has is incredibly refreshing. Though I have been here for less than a full 48 hours, I feel as though I have been here forever, and that I belong here. I don't want to leave it so easily, because leaving means going back to my job on Monday, and life returns right back to where it left off.

It doesn't have to STAY that way though. I don't have to stay in Missouri and stay discontented with where my life sits. As easy as it would be to go back and let myself slide into my life that I refer to as normal (Sunday, church. Monday-Friday, work. Saturday, coffee. Repeat.) I know that I cannot truly be in God's will and not change.

I wish I could explain half the things I am thinking right now and talk about each and every person I've been able to talk to, but that would make this post painfully long for everyone. Perhaps I will a different night.

Right now I am just very anxious for tomorrow to start so I can continue to meet the new people and understand exactly what New Tribes has to offer, while at the same time wishing time could stretch on so I didn't have to say goodbye and leave the campus so soon.

Today

Today as I write, I’m rather broken hearted and overall down. Being Sunday, today would have been a fantastic day to be in church. I could really use the encouragement that comes with simply being around others that are living in the same struggles as me, but of course, I am sick and haven’t left the confines of my bedroom, let alone my house.  Figures, right?

If I could name the cause of my being less than jovial today, it is simple frustration over the fact of how often it is that I fail God. It’s not that I’ve ‘done’ anything horrible, but it’s tiny things. I haven’t been praying for my friends like I used to. When I’m in the Word, it’s more like glancing over the pages instead of actual study and application. My heart isn’t as faithful; I’m so easily distracted off from what REALLY matters day to day, and instead live in my job, or choose hanging out with family over talking to God. It’s small things like that, but a week or two goes by and I look back and say, ‘What happened??’

I know we all mess up, I know that God forgives us our failures, I know that God delights and loves us anyway –but that does not for a moment change the fact that I don’t LIKE messing up. If there is anyone that deserves my faithfulness and my 110% at all times, it’s God, and the fact that I can’t bring that to him is so tiresome. I really wish I could. It only makes sense to honestly. He died for me. I truly owe him everything – yet the reality behind it all is that it is a debt that I can’t ever repay, regardless my sincere wish to.
I know there are those much wiser than me out there, so for those that happen to be reading over this, any chicken soup for the soul advice that you’ve found to be helpful to you?

Things to pray for on a somewhat side note is my trip to New Tribes coming about a week from today. I’ll be honest; I am really hoping that this is the direction I end up going towards. I think a lot of the things I struggle with stem from the fact that aside from my church, I am living day to day among people that are not like minded with me, and it makes it very easy for me to focus on the same things they do, considering how much time I spend with them at work. If am around people who are constantly kingdom focused, it will be more difficult for me to branch off and lose focus like I do out here. Not to say that this won’t happen of course, but I would be putting myself in an environment that makes it more difficult to do so.

For further clarification, I don’t see New Tribes as a ‘fix it’ by any means, but what I do see it as is something I can do on my end that will make it easier for me to stay focused. I am putting myself in a better place to grow than if I stay here in Springfield and don’t change. The goal for me is to place things in my life that set me up for success and will continuously drive me to God – not away from. Either way I am completely certain that something does need to change.
Hope this makes sense? Keep praying for me. :)

God is good!

It has been a crazy good, day to day in the grind, not average week.

Since my not getting a raise, I have been really wondering if it was in fact just a funny coincidence, or if it was actually God's call to action and change. After looking back in my life, I do in fact feel it is God's communication to me to say that it is time to step up and live out the life that he has called me to.

To those who don't know my life story, many, many years ago I felt very strongly that God had called me to foreign missions. Considering my age, I knew very well that God wasn't saying right then, but that one day the call for me to go would come. Not much happened after that, until now.

Honestly since the creation of the blog, time frame wise at least, God has been leading me to a more personal realtionship with himself and refining me when it comes to my relationship with fellow believers, but some of the most notable things that God has repeatedly reminded me of is obediance. Making him the Lord of my life. Living my life in full devotion to him. Not allowing anything else to take place of what should remain sanctified to him.

Not too long ago I remember having a discussion with my sister Brenda about how I felt God was really preparing me for something new and exciting. (How scary that was!) Not too much later it seems crazy for me to imagine myself just sitting here, pretending like I am okay with my Monday thru Friday job.

At this point I have narrowed down my options to two things. I will be visiting NTBI the beginning of March. If I feel comfortable there and think it's something God would approve me to do, then I'll pack my bags for that. If I don't feel certain that it is where I need to be, I'll stay here in the area and enroll in OTC to continue my classes towards a medical degree. Either way, I know that I need to start working towards achieving that next step in preparing myself for the mission field.

At this point, I'm very excited about this. Keep praying for me :D

Day 48

Seriously?

Day 48 - already? Granted it hasn't been a perfectly smooth timeframe, but none the less, wow time flies!

Today I am really getting back into the Word, preparing to pick back up in the Bible in a month schedule tomorrow. Considering February is a shorter month, I am literally going to pick up where I left off, starting on day five.

Right now I am very apprehensive about being in the Word right now. As much as I hate to say this,  I feel like I am just waiting to be told something crazy and mind blowing from God, and that whatever it is, I won't really want to do it. I don't know how much of this is true, but after yesterday, and everything else God has placed on my heart, I don't know what I am waiting for. I feel as though if I were to listen just a bit harder, God would give me clear direction but I'm afraid of that direction, and only allow my prayers and readings to go surface deep.

Why is this?

I think it's fair to say I am a bold person. My personality can be somewhat abrasive at times - so why is it in things that matter most, I back down? Why is it that I struggle with fully allowing God to be the Lord of my life? That's what all of this boils down to. I struggle with allowing him to be the complete, total Lord of my life. When God calls me to obedience, why do I struggle so much to just say, 'Yes Lord!'

As I was reading in Matthew today, I couldn't help but be intimidated by Jesus as he was talking to the disciples. It was the chapters where Jesus is telling the disciples to go out into the cities and heal the sick, perform miracles, shake off the dust - we all know the story.

I think what I get intimidated by is just how purposed Jesus is. I am sure Jesus laughed and smiled and had light hearted times in his life - I'm sure he did - yet we don't see that. What is reflected in his Word is how driven and focused he always was. The simplest of things became a new spiritual lesson, to the point where it almost seems off topic at times.

At one point one of the disciples approaches Jesus and says, "Hey, your mom's looking for you." His response isn't, "Oh, give me a few more minutes. I'll go see what she wants." Of course not. The interruption is worked right into his lesson, "The people that follow the will of the Father - they are my family."

There was never a missed opportunity; to us it may not have even been an opportunity to begin with, yet Jesus was able to make the most of each encounter and circumstance. To me that's intimidating. That's the example I am supposed to follow! I need to be just as kingdom focused as Jesus was! What a challenge!

Not that I have to miss life and seclude myself in a mountain to pursue after holiness, but I do feel that at the end of the day, people that rub shoulders with me should know what my life is about. If people we talk to and associate with don't even know that we are followers of Christ, my are we missing the mark!

I wish that I had words of wisdom right now to sum up my thoughts, but I don't really find I have those words today. I do know that I am looking forward to being at church on Sunday. The body of Christ is such an incredible part that God always intended of his children to be an active part of. I am very blessed by it.

:)

It's almost February

Time flies by! We are already into the year 2013 and the first month is so quickly coming to a close. On top of that, I feel like I haven't blogged in so long. To cut to the chase, some of this stems down to the fact that I haven't read my bible in three days, much to my shame. This is NOT what I want for my life, so I am getting back into the Word today, and preparing to pick back up on reading the bible in a month in just a few short days.

Today was a difficult day for me, truth be told. After a long awaited time to have my end of the year discussion at my job, I got my annual raise. This year, my annual raise was actually nothing. Nothing! Not a penny higher than last year! I would like to say I am bitter or upset - I am shocked and sad because though I feel like I deserved some variance of a compensation of a year well done - but at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with my raise. The numeric’s are my last concern. Honestly I truly cannot help but wonder with a great amount of nervousness what God is planning to do in my life.

I say this because as I was thinking options over around July of last year, I began wondering to myself how I would know what God was telling me to do in the area of leaving. How would I know when I got the green light from God to do this, this, or this? I talked with God and joked over what would be ways he would tell me which thing he wanted me to do.  One of the things that I thought of that would be a 'sign' is that, and I quote my own thoughts here, if I didn't get a raise then that would be God's way of telling me that I should no longer be at Chase and start my life towards the mission field. (At the time of this thought I was very actively pursuing the idea of the World Race, something I STILL want to do)

Normally when I ask a question on here, it is sarcastic, and the answer to my question is meant to be obvious - not this question though. Is this a coincidence? That question I asked myself was a stipulation I placed on my spiritual life as a marker of something crazy that would never happen. I'm very good at my job, so of course I would get a raise. It was more of a joke than anything else. Yet here I stand in January, wondering if this is God's quirky way of saying, "Well if you wanted a tangible sign so badly..."

Am I being assumptive of God; or am I just trying to run from what he might be saying? I don't really know. I don't want to ignore God's call, that's my fear, but I do need clarity from him. So right now, that is my biggest prayer request of all.

Am I being crazy, or is God telling me to pack my bags and get ready for serious change? I don't know.