Today

Today as I write, I’m rather broken hearted and overall down. Being Sunday, today would have been a fantastic day to be in church. I could really use the encouragement that comes with simply being around others that are living in the same struggles as me, but of course, I am sick and haven’t left the confines of my bedroom, let alone my house.  Figures, right?

If I could name the cause of my being less than jovial today, it is simple frustration over the fact of how often it is that I fail God. It’s not that I’ve ‘done’ anything horrible, but it’s tiny things. I haven’t been praying for my friends like I used to. When I’m in the Word, it’s more like glancing over the pages instead of actual study and application. My heart isn’t as faithful; I’m so easily distracted off from what REALLY matters day to day, and instead live in my job, or choose hanging out with family over talking to God. It’s small things like that, but a week or two goes by and I look back and say, ‘What happened??’

I know we all mess up, I know that God forgives us our failures, I know that God delights and loves us anyway –but that does not for a moment change the fact that I don’t LIKE messing up. If there is anyone that deserves my faithfulness and my 110% at all times, it’s God, and the fact that I can’t bring that to him is so tiresome. I really wish I could. It only makes sense to honestly. He died for me. I truly owe him everything – yet the reality behind it all is that it is a debt that I can’t ever repay, regardless my sincere wish to.
I know there are those much wiser than me out there, so for those that happen to be reading over this, any chicken soup for the soul advice that you’ve found to be helpful to you?

Things to pray for on a somewhat side note is my trip to New Tribes coming about a week from today. I’ll be honest; I am really hoping that this is the direction I end up going towards. I think a lot of the things I struggle with stem from the fact that aside from my church, I am living day to day among people that are not like minded with me, and it makes it very easy for me to focus on the same things they do, considering how much time I spend with them at work. If am around people who are constantly kingdom focused, it will be more difficult for me to branch off and lose focus like I do out here. Not to say that this won’t happen of course, but I would be putting myself in an environment that makes it more difficult to do so.

For further clarification, I don’t see New Tribes as a ‘fix it’ by any means, but what I do see it as is something I can do on my end that will make it easier for me to stay focused. I am putting myself in a better place to grow than if I stay here in Springfield and don’t change. The goal for me is to place things in my life that set me up for success and will continuously drive me to God – not away from. Either way I am completely certain that something does need to change.
Hope this makes sense? Keep praying for me. :)

God is good!

It has been a crazy good, day to day in the grind, not average week.

Since my not getting a raise, I have been really wondering if it was in fact just a funny coincidence, or if it was actually God's call to action and change. After looking back in my life, I do in fact feel it is God's communication to me to say that it is time to step up and live out the life that he has called me to.

To those who don't know my life story, many, many years ago I felt very strongly that God had called me to foreign missions. Considering my age, I knew very well that God wasn't saying right then, but that one day the call for me to go would come. Not much happened after that, until now.

Honestly since the creation of the blog, time frame wise at least, God has been leading me to a more personal realtionship with himself and refining me when it comes to my relationship with fellow believers, but some of the most notable things that God has repeatedly reminded me of is obediance. Making him the Lord of my life. Living my life in full devotion to him. Not allowing anything else to take place of what should remain sanctified to him.

Not too long ago I remember having a discussion with my sister Brenda about how I felt God was really preparing me for something new and exciting. (How scary that was!) Not too much later it seems crazy for me to imagine myself just sitting here, pretending like I am okay with my Monday thru Friday job.

At this point I have narrowed down my options to two things. I will be visiting NTBI the beginning of March. If I feel comfortable there and think it's something God would approve me to do, then I'll pack my bags for that. If I don't feel certain that it is where I need to be, I'll stay here in the area and enroll in OTC to continue my classes towards a medical degree. Either way, I know that I need to start working towards achieving that next step in preparing myself for the mission field.

At this point, I'm very excited about this. Keep praying for me :D

Day 48

Seriously?

Day 48 - already? Granted it hasn't been a perfectly smooth timeframe, but none the less, wow time flies!

Today I am really getting back into the Word, preparing to pick back up in the Bible in a month schedule tomorrow. Considering February is a shorter month, I am literally going to pick up where I left off, starting on day five.

Right now I am very apprehensive about being in the Word right now. As much as I hate to say this,  I feel like I am just waiting to be told something crazy and mind blowing from God, and that whatever it is, I won't really want to do it. I don't know how much of this is true, but after yesterday, and everything else God has placed on my heart, I don't know what I am waiting for. I feel as though if I were to listen just a bit harder, God would give me clear direction but I'm afraid of that direction, and only allow my prayers and readings to go surface deep.

Why is this?

I think it's fair to say I am a bold person. My personality can be somewhat abrasive at times - so why is it in things that matter most, I back down? Why is it that I struggle with fully allowing God to be the Lord of my life? That's what all of this boils down to. I struggle with allowing him to be the complete, total Lord of my life. When God calls me to obedience, why do I struggle so much to just say, 'Yes Lord!'

As I was reading in Matthew today, I couldn't help but be intimidated by Jesus as he was talking to the disciples. It was the chapters where Jesus is telling the disciples to go out into the cities and heal the sick, perform miracles, shake off the dust - we all know the story.

I think what I get intimidated by is just how purposed Jesus is. I am sure Jesus laughed and smiled and had light hearted times in his life - I'm sure he did - yet we don't see that. What is reflected in his Word is how driven and focused he always was. The simplest of things became a new spiritual lesson, to the point where it almost seems off topic at times.

At one point one of the disciples approaches Jesus and says, "Hey, your mom's looking for you." His response isn't, "Oh, give me a few more minutes. I'll go see what she wants." Of course not. The interruption is worked right into his lesson, "The people that follow the will of the Father - they are my family."

There was never a missed opportunity; to us it may not have even been an opportunity to begin with, yet Jesus was able to make the most of each encounter and circumstance. To me that's intimidating. That's the example I am supposed to follow! I need to be just as kingdom focused as Jesus was! What a challenge!

Not that I have to miss life and seclude myself in a mountain to pursue after holiness, but I do feel that at the end of the day, people that rub shoulders with me should know what my life is about. If people we talk to and associate with don't even know that we are followers of Christ, my are we missing the mark!

I wish that I had words of wisdom right now to sum up my thoughts, but I don't really find I have those words today. I do know that I am looking forward to being at church on Sunday. The body of Christ is such an incredible part that God always intended of his children to be an active part of. I am very blessed by it.

:)

It's almost February

Time flies by! We are already into the year 2013 and the first month is so quickly coming to a close. On top of that, I feel like I haven't blogged in so long. To cut to the chase, some of this stems down to the fact that I haven't read my bible in three days, much to my shame. This is NOT what I want for my life, so I am getting back into the Word today, and preparing to pick back up on reading the bible in a month in just a few short days.

Today was a difficult day for me, truth be told. After a long awaited time to have my end of the year discussion at my job, I got my annual raise. This year, my annual raise was actually nothing. Nothing! Not a penny higher than last year! I would like to say I am bitter or upset - I am shocked and sad because though I feel like I deserved some variance of a compensation of a year well done - but at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with my raise. The numeric’s are my last concern. Honestly I truly cannot help but wonder with a great amount of nervousness what God is planning to do in my life.

I say this because as I was thinking options over around July of last year, I began wondering to myself how I would know what God was telling me to do in the area of leaving. How would I know when I got the green light from God to do this, this, or this? I talked with God and joked over what would be ways he would tell me which thing he wanted me to do.  One of the things that I thought of that would be a 'sign' is that, and I quote my own thoughts here, if I didn't get a raise then that would be God's way of telling me that I should no longer be at Chase and start my life towards the mission field. (At the time of this thought I was very actively pursuing the idea of the World Race, something I STILL want to do)

Normally when I ask a question on here, it is sarcastic, and the answer to my question is meant to be obvious - not this question though. Is this a coincidence? That question I asked myself was a stipulation I placed on my spiritual life as a marker of something crazy that would never happen. I'm very good at my job, so of course I would get a raise. It was more of a joke than anything else. Yet here I stand in January, wondering if this is God's quirky way of saying, "Well if you wanted a tangible sign so badly..."

Am I being assumptive of God; or am I just trying to run from what he might be saying? I don't really know. I don't want to ignore God's call, that's my fear, but I do need clarity from him. So right now, that is my biggest prayer request of all.

Am I being crazy, or is God telling me to pack my bags and get ready for serious change? I don't know.

Day 39

There are days where I don't really want to stop my life and pursue the things of God. There are days where pulling out the Word seems more of an inconvenience than an actual privilege. I know how unchristianlike this may sound, but honestly, it can be absolutely exhausting! On this side of heaven, it will always be a struggle for me to chase after God the way I wish I could. I know that it is important to be in the word. I know very well that I need his influence in my life, yet regardless, there are days where I want nothing more than to take a break and relax.

That's how today has been for me.

I did not want to drag out my devotional book, did not want to blog; I just wanted a day to myself. I do not for a minute 'feel' at all that this is what I want to do. I don't have a reason as to why I feel so passive today,  all I know is that I just don't want to today.

Begrudgingly (very begrudgingly) I brought out my devotional book and  will be reading my bible as though I wanted nothing more than to head dive into the pages, regardless that this really is the last thing on my mind right now.

One thing that I have told other people, the same thing that I am telling myself right now, is that days like this are the most important to invest yourself in God's word. There will be days, many more days in fact, where I feel the exact same; where I just don't feel like serving God today. Regardless, God's call to obedience prevails.

I can't help but think of various characters all across the bible who had been confronted by God to accomplish a task. As God directed his children, most of the things he asked them to do were fairly unwelcomed ideas to that particular individual. God told Moses to go back to Egypt to confront debatably the most powerful man of his time. God called Abraham to sacrifice his long awaited son - the first fruits of a promised nation. After a long pointless day of fishing, Jesus called Peter to cast his net into the lake again, regardless the fact that their luck had been close to nil all day long.

When God called them to obedience, I doubt any of them completed their tasks with a skip in their step and a smile on their face. I would be shocked if that had been the case actually. What God was calling them to do very much negated their earthly wisdom and it brought them to an instant decision of faith.

It isn't easy to obey! When you take out the semantics behind it all, we just don't want to. Much like a child being told to clean their room, when God lovingly tells us what we need to do, we find one word itching to come from our lips: 'No!'

It is hard to fathom how different our bible stories would be had the people we now view as spiritual leaders decided to take a day off and pretend to not hear God's direction. Obedience was so crucial for them! If they had decided to not follow after God's call, imagine what they would have missed! God has blessed their work more than they could have possibly imagined and used them as everlasting pieces and examples in his very Word, an eternal beacon to mankind - what an incredible honor!

The thing that I have to remind myself is that we are working with the same God, meaning that when God calls me to obedience, what am I risking when I say no? That thought is equally as scary.

I don't really want to read my bible and put in the effort needed to keep a relationship with God today. My attitude says I'll do it tomorrow, but God says do it today. As much as I want to be lazy and pretend that I've earned this down time, even I in all my weakness know that I need God every single day and moment.

I may not want to, but I will. I choose to obey God.

Details

Today I was having a discussion with my father while I was at work. This is not something unusual. I have some question or some smart remark and start a chat line, and it goes from there. I often try to pry his brain for opinions and thoughts over something I am reading, options in my life, whatever the case may be.

Without getting into a huge amount of detail, it has been an interesting past few days as circumstances in my life lead me for want of wisdom. Naturally I go to those I trust and tell them what's on my mind and gain feedback from them in attempts to gain wisdom. In addition, I have been in God's word, praying for guidance, the wisdom to know what to do, and the strength to actually do it.

Eloquence aside, it's hard to know exactly what to choose in life. I am a very firm believer that there IS an absolute truth (his name is Jesus Christ.) yet there are so many times in life where we are not choosing between right and wrong. We are choosing between tea or coffee. Blue jeans or sweat pants? To add another dimension, better or best?

Our life is so very full of choices - and they all have impact on us! Choosing the correct path is absolutely crucial in the life of a born-again believer. Throughout the entire bible you can see God expressing the importance of pursuing after wisdom, yet often times we tell ourselves the lie that our decisions don't really matter. What we choose about our jobs, our music, our friends, does not really matter.  It's a small detail. God doesn't care about those areas of our lives. He looks at the heart and teaches us to be followers of him. Small day to day choices don't matter to him in the grand scheme of eternity, so why worry about it?

When worded like that, it is easy to look and say, 'No, that is incorrect.' yet if that is truly how we feel, why do our lives reflect something else? If we understand God DOES care about the tiny, seemingly unimportant details of our lives, then why do we not turn to him about them? Why do we only turn to him when there is something impossible that needs to be done? Are we the judge of what is or is not great to the eyes of God?

When we decide to filter out areas of our life by what we deem to be important or otherwise, we are walking a very dangerous line! When we allow him in as Lord of our life, he becomes the Lord of our life. Lord of the 'I really need to go to the gym more often.' Lord of the 'I hate traffic. Hate it!' and Lord of the 'My sister is driving me nuts!'

He is the creator of life! He can handle the day to day grind of this world better than we ever will be able to!

I ask myself why it is so hard to be honest with God in these small areas of life. For me, it's not that I hoard them from God per say, but because they are such small details, I've never seen it as important so I never even think to allow God's influence over them. A part of me seems to correlate that because God is so 'up there' and so heavenly, there's no way that the day to day details of my life even apply to him!

How could they? He lives in the spiritual realm and that's a realm I catch mere glimpses of! I am very much a part of the physical realm and that is just how it is going to be until I reach the other side of eternity.

I can assure you that God is very aware of the physical realm, and in fact very interested in what his people write off as unimportant. 

Case and point, Leviticus.

I would like to say that after reading the book I gained an appreciation of God's holy nature, but I would be lying. I got to chapter three and shut my bible because my stomach was upset from reading (in vivid detail thank you) about boils and leprosy.

BOILS? Really?! God is moving his people to the promised land and he wants them to know about boils??

Put blunty, it was disgusting! I remember thinking as I was reading, 'Gracious Jesus - do you really have to be so discriptive? I don't want to know!!'

Isn't that funny though? God can beat me in the who can gross who out first game of life! There is nothing I can take to God that he isn't prepared to handle, no matter how large or small.

One thing that I did get out of Leviticus is that God isn't just prepared to walk us through the small day to day choices and situations we come to in life, but he wants to! Throughout the book, God is incredibly specific over what can seem like the tiniest of details to us, yet to God it is important enough that he decides to place these things in his everlasting word. He didn't have to bring any of those details up. He didn't have to explain to his people that touching dead animals is bad; he didn't have to explain any of it. After all, to quote myself earlier, God is so 'up there' and so heavenly, there's no way that the day to day details of my life even apply to him!

How very untrue and assumptive of me. God is the God of all that is so be it trivial or otherwise, he wants us to come to a place where we are willing to devote it all to him.

Day 33

Its crazy to think that just a month ago I was sitting in my car realizing just how badly I needed to allow God into my life and stop my habitual roller coaster style of living.

It's only been one month of my two month goal and I already feel like it has been such an adventure for me as I see God working and changing things around me. As a review for myself, I want to list out where I have seen God working. I want to remind my future self for when I read this again (because I know I will) how faithful God is, as well as how powerful he is to move in my life, personally.

As I have been reading in the past month, I have seen the importance of allowing myself to be apart of the body of Christ. Not soon after, God provided open doors for me to become further involved in the church as I had been praying for. This continues to happen, in fact.

I talked to my youth group about how I know God is leading me to be an encouragement to others. Since then, God has placed multiple people in my life that allow me to talk to them and explain not only where I am spiritually and what God has been showing me, but also allowing me to step in speaking honestly with them in areas of improvement as well.

Something that I didn't pray for but God did anyway, is bring a co worker into my life that is a huge encouragement to me as she is living out her spiritual life! We go to the gym together and talk about what God is doing in our lives, and have real honest communication about the day to day life we are living right now. It is such an encouragement and blessing to me - one that I didn't even know how badly I wanted until it fell right in my lap!

In summary of the past month, the only thought that perfectly fits, is God is moving.

From day one, God is always bringing me to the next step and challenging me to continue to pursue after him. There has never once been a day where he said, 'Well you did good yesterday! Let's take a breather for now, and tomorrow we'll pick it up again.' As I write this with a sort of smirk on my lips,  it's something I think we all struggle with as we serve God. We know we are in the word, we are involved in the church, we pray - SURELY we can handle just one day of doing things on our own?

As obvious as the answer is, it is still a struggle to day by day run back to God because often times I feel so confident that I don't need it.

For where I am today, there are so many different things on my heart that it would be hard to perfectly post everything that I am thinking. The top of the list right now is direction.

Over the past few weeks, I have become less and less satisfied with where I am right now. I know in the past that God has called me to the mission field, and here I am, still in Springfield. That hasn't really bothered me too much before, but lately, I have become rather restless. It's not that I want to pack up my bags and leave right now because with what God is doing in my life, I see that he has me rooted where I am for a reason.

Where I do get restless though, is that I don't have a plan to get out! My youth group leader a few weeks ago said something very simple, but regardless it has stuck with me and really shaped my thinking over what action I plan on taking from here. He said that a dream without a plan, is just a wish.

So true! God may not be calling me to leave today, but I know that he has told me one day I will get that call. Unfortunately, as I am right now, I am not prepared to get up and go.

Granted I have NO idea where God is calling me to go and I don't have the time frames, but if I am not prepared to go, I'll stay where I am now and God will keep on moving right past me. I don't want that at all! When God calls me to go, my answer needs to be YES LORD!

There are four things that I am thinking about as options right now to take my next step in following after God, while also preparing myself for what he has already revealed to me.

1. New Tribes
I will be visiting the campus (and family!) during March, seeing if that is a possible direction God is having me to go. If I were to go, I have NO idea how finances would work out, but that's not a major concern right now. God will provide.

2. OTC/medical
I have always wanted to pursue a career in the medical field, which would be very useful on the field. This option is pretty easy because not TOO much changes, I will just need to be a bit more disciplined with my time and finances come the fall semester.

3. Summer Missions trip
This one is fairly obvious - I want to go on a short terms missions trip maybe for a month or so over the summer. I want to see what God is doing around the world, and break out of the day to day monotony.

4. The World Race
I would LOVE to do the world race, and come July, I will finally be of age to go! This option is incredibly tempting, but incredibly costly, and incredibly insane. I want to do it!

Those are the things that I am thinking about pursing in the future to better prepare myself for what God had called me to. I will be praying about this and praying for direction as he leads me.

Right now these are my prayer requests. If God wants me to go and further my (non-existent) education, I pray he paves the way for that. If he wants me to stay in Springfield and grow, I pray he gives me the patience I need to allow myself to grow and not get discouraged as I see others leave and go around me.