Focus

Continuing in my reflective, spiritual roll call at where I am, my thoughts as of late, and what I feel I've learned (or been reminded of) in response, these are my more rescent findings. (As my father would likely say, growing pains, which are no fun!)

I've had my fair share of frustrations as of late on my spiritual walk. Surprisingly, it's not the larger events that are leading me to this frustration. While there has been definiate changes in my life recently, they are not an overall issue. While they have brought up no doubt questions as my life is being redirected, my recent setbacks have been smaller - to be precise, my own failures and inconsistencies in my own spiritual walk.

I've said it here before, but I don't like messing up and failing God. I am not trying to sound super spiritual, but I don't know how else to word it - it really gets to me. I hate the fact that I am SO bad at doing what I know to be right. Though I know it won't help anything, my first reaction is to throw up my hands and say, 'I tried, and failed, and I'm done.' and just walk away. Again being honest here Christians, who wants to fail over and over and over again? People's lowest places in life are often accompanied by the statement or thought, 'I feel like a complete failure'

It's not fun when you've given something an honest effort and see virtually no results. Pride or otherwise, trying and failing stings on such a personal degree, doesn't it? Isn't it so much easier to keep doing the things you already excel at? This is how I feel often times on my spiritual walk. I hate messing up, and the knowledge that I very likely will KEEP messing up is discouraging.

For those who know me well, it will not be a shock to hear that I am a 'glass is half empty' kind of person. 'I'm not negative - I'm realistic' is often how I explain it, because as you can see, the glass IS half empty after all.

Without really noticing it, this negative attitude seemed to have snuck its way into my Bible reading as of late. For a few days, I was rather upset and frustrated with how difficult things were on earth. It frustrated me at how hard it was do so something so simple, while consistently live in a way that is pleasing to God. What Christ has given us to do in and of itself doesn't SOUND that hard, yet is incredibly challenging to accomplish.

What got me so frustrated reading through Matthew, was just how often it was that the disciples didn't get it. They saw first hand so many miracles and signs, and various times they are in shock, confessing, 'Wow, you really ARE the Son of God' - in my head I'm thinking 'Didn't we just get that established a few chapters ago?? Did you forget what you saw? How can you possibly be so blind?'

Now me being my negative self, this got me thinking. How is it that people exposed to so much God (for lack of a better term) can be so faithless? For people that saw things no other man could do unless he were the Son of God, they were pretty clueless. It's like they learned nothing at all!

Upon reading that, this here is what I got out of it:

If they can't do it, then how in the world am I going to?

And that thought, twisted and negative in nature, yet to myself, a valid question, put me in a slump. If these men who walked around with God himself before and after death couldn't even have an ounce of faith - often missed the picture time and time again, then there was no hope for me! I know very well how miserable I am when I am not in the Word and walking with God as I should be - contrawise though - the idea of constantly missing the picture and always having to relearn the same things over and over again doesn't sound all that great either.

For a few days, I was in a rather unpleasant mood. I remember sitting back on my porch, playing my guitar, only singing half the words because I couldn't bring conviction into what I was attempting to sing. I just couldn't get over it. Why was God calling me to be faithful when his own desciples couldn't do it half the time? How frustrating! I feel bad enough when I am unfaithful, and if the deciples are any indicator, I'm doomed to live a life of missed opportunity and countless mistakes. Was there any way I could ever be victorious and happy with my relationship with Him if I was doomed to fail each time I tried? If that was how things were going to be, was it worth trying? While I knew these thoughts were ridiculous, I couldn't seem to find an answer, so it only served to upset me further. What was I doing wrong?

I decided to title this entry as 'focus', because for where I am right now in the day to day grind of my walk with Christ, I feel this is my ultimate stumbling block - not my failures and unfaithfulness to God as I had initially thought. As I took a step back and began dwelling on the stories, I realized my focus from beginning to end was all wrong.

The focus of the Bible has never been about a terrible people that can't do a single thing right, though that often seems to be the case when looked at with a critical eye. If that's the mindset you are reading with, then like myself, you will miss the entire purpose of the Bible, and it's very possible that you too will glean things out of the Word that aren't at all what's being said.

God's Word has never been a how-to story of people and their great successes in life, but rather a perfect God who is the solution to our sin nature! It is a story detailing His holiness, His loving nature, and a historical record of His efforts to redeem creation. When we shift our focus off the main character, and onto the 'side characters', the story becomes jaded and we miss vital lessons that the Father has placed in the Word for our benefit.

Instead of focusing on how often Peter has his 'foot in mouth' moments, it would be a much more impacting (and much more encouraging!) lesson to see how Jesus never stops being graceful and compassionate towards people - how patient he is through mistakes, and how he always guides his followers to the next step in their walk with Him - be it reaffirming his identity as Messiah, or seeing Him in a new light that grows them closer to him.

If I am so focused on MY mistakes, on MY shortcomings, and MY inability to serve to where I feel I should, then it is no wonder I am getting frustrated and feeling unfulfilled in my walk as of late! If I am so focused on myself and my own problems, that doesn't leave any room for God - of course there is going to be a problem!

Now bear in mind, it is not a bad thing to keep yourself accountable! We should often be giving ourselves a reality check and constantly comparing our lives to the truth of God's Word - where the issue lies is when we get so caught up in our mental checklist that we turn our focus off from Him and onto ourselves. While our intentions may have started well, they can end in a degrading, negative attitude that pulls our focus inward, not upward.

I do say this to myself really, because it is a shame to be so negative when we are such a blessed people. I am not referring to the things and 'stuff' we have, though that is certainly a blessing in and of itself, what I am in reference towards is the fact that we, as children of God have direct access to Him. We are a chosen people. We are so, so special! How silly it is to ever have a negative spirit when we are just SO blessed to even be allowed access to Him. It's sad that we can be compelled to turn our eyes off Him for a moment in favor of something else - especially if that something is beating ourselves up because of our shortcomings.

Recent blessings, in some odd summary I guess, is that I did get the schedule change I requested. This means I'll be able to get more involved in church activities! Also, where I moved into is a really great Christian environment. My roommate is a fantastic girl named Joanna and she is a great, encouraging person to be around. This is something I’ll post about later, because it’s defiantly worth mentioning!

Update!

As usual, it seems as though I have so much to say between this update and the last. Perhaps the biggest update is that through all the back and forthness between my attempts to get out to NTBI, in the end, it seems it will be a better plan to wait it off for a year to try to pay down some debt I've gathered, and possibly try to get rid of my car? I'm not sure yet. In summary though, it is certain that I will not be attending that school this semester and am staying here in Springfield for a while longer.

I will admit it was slightly discouraging to come SO close and miss the opportunity due to finances not being there, but while I am not excited about that closed door, I am very optimistic towards the doors that are opening, and may continue to open in the future for me. In the short time of my 'YES I AM GOING' to the now reality of, 'Aw Snap no I'm not' - so much has had to change!

One of the current changes that I have asked various people to be in prayer about it, is a schedule change at work. My current schedule is Monday thru Friday noon to nine, however because it is a night schedule, it means that ministries I'd want to be involved in (Freeway, Wednesday night Service, Southside Outside) I just can't attend. The schedule I am aiming for is Monday thru Friday seven thirty AM (YIKES!!) to three thirty PM. I talked with my manager about it today to see if there are any updates, and he says while he can't guarantee anything, he believes that I am first in line for a schedule change out of the people that requested it. Great news!

Also, with my roommate moving out last week, I too started looking for a new place to stay, and with where the time frames fell between family vacation and the start of a new month, it left me about one week to find a new place to stay. After searching, I was able to secure a place that will be a great change for the better. I can honestly say that without the help of others, I would NOT have been able to make the move at all. Further blessings on this being that Josh and Brenda are being pretty gracious when it comes to moving, so it is making the move as stress free as possible, all things considered. I moved the majority of my things out yesterday, and now simply have more cleaning and such to attend to.

The past few days have mainly consisted of me accepting the fact that I'm not moving, and has lead to a lot of reflections on my life - some good things - growth that I'm proud of - but other things that make me want to shy away from this examination. This is something that's been on my mind in result of this, and I wanted to share it. I've been thinking about how people take their relationship with God. Some of my thoughts all sparked from yesterday when I was moving into the new house; my neighbor has the famous 'Coexist' bumper sticker on his/her car. I remember once I was talking to my Dad about how frustrating and confusing it could be when people refer to God as if he were multiple different persons based off what that individual was looking for.

In the past I've heard things like 'MY God is a loving God' or 'Well that's not the God I serve'

The way I see it, there is only ONE God, and you either serve Him, or you don't. Because there is only one God and he is constant and unchanging, either you know Him and serve Him, or what you've created is an idol in His place.

When you have a confrontation with God, you change. Either you choose to walk away, or you believe in His truth and adjust your life accordingly. Yet often times when I hear people talk about their beliefs or the fact they go to church, they speak as though God is the one who changes when He is confronted by them.

'I divorced my husband because he was a bad man. The God I serve and go to church for understands that. I did the right thing.'

That was the subject one of my coworkers were discussing as she was sharing her faith with others some time back. When she heard that God was opposed to divorce, she left the church, but when she sat back and thought about it, she knew HER God didn't condemn her, and in fact supported her decision. She is loyal to the church and her god to this day.

What bothers me about this line of thought is simply this - when confronted with God, the proper response is to change. There cannot be a middle road of 'Yes I know this is contrary to God's Word, but I am special. So special that this book that details God's provision and plan for my life actually does not apply. I can do what I want, and keep my relationship with God up on the side.'

That last thought is a bit extreme, but isn't that what we do? We disillusion ourselves to try to justify that we are different - that we can have it both ways. For me, I feel quite passionate about this, because this is really where I am in my life right now. I am not above this, this is where I am residing and a reality I fight day by day! I'm ashamed to say it's a battle I often loose.

I want to live the way I want to, but because I am God's child, I will always be drawn to Him, even in times where I am slacking in my walk with Him. The message of that bumper sticker 'Coexist' is not possible. God cannot "coexist" with sin. I understand the message is to accept other religions, and while I'm not on a witch hunt here, I know very well that there is ONE way to heaven, and when I'm telling other people 'Hey, you've got your own way so that's great if that works for you' then I am doing them a HORRIBLE injustice.

Giving an honest review of my life and relationship with Him,I have a long way to go. I'm not faithful, I'm very hypocritical, and frankly, live life like the very people that frustrate me. I want God AND my way.

The two cannot coexist though - we can try to ram them together as best as we can, but it is truly impossible. That's the thought that keeps grating me. There is no such thing as 'coexisting' with God. We either reject Him as Lord and Messiah, or we believe in his Son. When we come into His family through Jesus, we are a NEW creature. We are 100% different because we were once spiritually dead, and now we are alive. We cannot be who we were before and expect our relationship with God to flourish. Again, the proper thing to do when confronted with truth, is to change - to match your life up to the truth revealed in His word. That's what I plan to do. As much as I want my way, God's proved faithful time and time again, so I know His way is best.

Time to Update!

Goodness it's been a while since I've made an update to my blog, which is quite a shame because so much has happened between now and my previous update. I am still trying to figure out the details over the next steps I want to take to bring myself to a better place to serve God.

While I would like to see myself head out to NTBI in August, the option of staying here in Springfield has its benefits as well. For now I am trying to avoid making a decision as best possible because I'll be honest, thinking too much about it really stresses me out, and considering college doesn't start until August, the stress really isn't necessary at this point.

For right now, what's on my heart is a small excerpt in Acts. Pastor James was recently using it in a sermon, and it has been stuck in my mind since then.

On the morrow, as they went on their journey, and drew nigh unto the city, Peter went up upon the housetop to pray about the sixth hour:
And he became very hungry, and would have eaten: but while they made ready, he fell into a trance,
And saw heaven opened, and a certain vessel descending unto him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth:
Wherein were all manner of fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air.
And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat.
But Peter said, Not so, Lord; for I have never eaten any thing that is common or unclean.
And the voice spake unto him again the second time, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common.
This was done thrice: and the vessel was received up again into heaven.
(Acts 10: 9-16)

For me, the specific verse that speaks out the most is verse fifteen, where Peter is corrected in assuming the animals seen in his vision to be unclean, therefore inedible. For me, this hits so close to home right now.

Often times, I am so quick to assume myself to be in the category of unclean, unusable, and unworthy. I know my heart, I know my struggles, and I know my inconsistencies. I can see my failures, see a perfect God and say to myself, 'There is no way I can serve and follow God now. Not anymore.'  While many of these things negative qualities WOULD be true of myself, God has sanctified me with his Son. God has called me to serve and honor him, no matter where I am in my walk. Through his Son, I am righteous.

Being very honest here, I don't say that last line with conviction. It is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that God calls me clean and righteous. It's one of the things I know in my head, but haven't fully been able to come to terms with in my walk with Him. It's hard to look at my life and say, this is the picture of a justified Saint.

...Me?? Are you kidding me?

I don't know if that's the terms Peter would have said if he were alive in today's timeframe, but that the tone I see him using in his vision. "Me?? Kill and eat what exactly? Lord, I've never done that before, ever. It's unclean! Are you kidding me??"

I somewhat debate with myself what may have caused that reaction from Peter, to tell God a flat 'No. ‘Part of me says it was pride being raised Jewish; tradition just would not permit him to change. Another part, perhaps the more gracious, understanding side of me, would like to believe it wasn't him being stubborn, he simply didn't understand why he was suddenly being called to do something that made absolutely no sense to him.

He was raised to believe that those things were unclean. It would be a sin to eat them! If God told me to do something that negated everything I had been raised to believe was right, I will be the first to admit that I would be getting my ears checked, asking all my friends and family if I had heard right. Certainly it can't be God telling me to do this thing, right?

It's easy for us to miss the mark when it comes to spiritual things because we don't have the same perspective that God does. It was soon after revealed to Peter why he received that puzzling vision, but the fact that Peter didn't know that before hand, I can very well see why he wasn't instantly sharpening his best animal killing cleaver. (If they had such a thing.)

Without going into details, a few things have been brought to my attention lately, where people have come to me in some variant, seeing me as someone worthy to assist as a fellow believer. Though I am excited for these new opportunities, I'd be lying if I said that I was one hundred percent sold out to it.

A part of me still feels unworthy, unclean, and unusable. Though I have long wanted to step up and be used in the ministry and make a difference for Christ, the second I get stepping stones in that direction - I hesitate. Something mentally seems to say, 'YOU, helping guide and encourage others? HA!' It seems like just yesterday I was floundering and unable to keep in God's word, and it's still a day to day struggle. Somehow I am now helping others in their walk?

Last night I couldn't sleep because that verse kept ringing in my ear, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common.

In short, I don't 'feel' cleansed. I don't 'feel' like I am sanctified, or that I am worthy to be used of God in any way, shape or form - but luckily, that's not my judgment call to make. That decision belongs to God alone, who has decided that I am worthy, and that I should be used to admonish and encourage others. It's very humbling.

I don't know what God has called me to do, but I do know I want to serve him. I value my relationship with him, and while I feel like I fall down more than anything else, it's a journey that's well worth living for, wherever it takes me, whatever bruises and scrapes I may acquire along the way.

Over Time and Obstacles

So between working more hours at work, sleeping, then working more hours, mentally making a checklist of what needs to be done to prepare my life for intense change, I realized something very vital. I have no way of actually knowing if this goal of moving away from Missouri to attend New Tribes is even obtainable or not.

What I mean by that, is that currently I am assuming that I can sell my car, assuming I can earn enough funds to get there, assuming that I will make enough money once I am there to cover tuition and my bills, and of course, assuming I will even be accepted to go in the first place.

That's a lot of assumption on my part!

I was expressing this concern to my sister Shara, and I'm not sure if I was looking for her to just nod her head, or give sisterly advice, or what honestly, but her response, though I can't quote it, was the very last thing I wanted to hear.

In short, it was something along the lines of, 'Well, that's why it's called faith.'

This quickly frustrated me, and my response sounded childish to even my ears, but it was something like, 'Well that's easy for YOU to say, you're not the one in this situation' as if God moving in my life was a bad thing.

The second she said it, I knew she was right, but it's so easy to read about faith in the bible, scoff at the disciples when Jesus corrects them for their lack of faith, and turn the page. This makes faith so much more real to me, and so much more difficult.

I hate the fact that it boils down to finances, but sadly, that's my biggest concern. I don't see how I could make ends meet from semester to semester, even if I worked. If I continue to be honest with those who read this, it is tempting to just not do anything at all. I have often thought about just shrugging my shoulders and continuing where I am now at work, yet every time I think about that, a part of me freezes, because I KNOW how unhappy I am out here, and I can't imagine how miserable I would be if I looked at God's moving in the face, and turned the other way.

It hurts to change, yet the idea of not changing hurts even more. I may not be consistent as I would like to be, and I may falter A LOT, but I can honestly say that I value my relationship with Christ, and that I do want to serve him. So... what choice do I have?

I have to go. Somehow.

I don't know how I can possibly do it, but I can look back in my life and see where God's led me in the past, and I know that NTBI would be a good continuation in that direction.

I don't know how 'Christian' this may sound, but I'm not excited right now. I'm frustrated, confused, and stressed out. I want the answers now. I want to know that my way will be covered, and that there isn't any risk on my part. I want to know that if I try so hard where I am now, that it will pay off, and I will have no problem. I don't want to have faith. I just want to SEE it, and walk down a clearly lit path and have all the answers.

I know how contrary this is to what God wants; I know that God wants me to blindly trust Him to lead me day to day.

It's not easy. It is a major struggle for me.

Continue to pray for this situation.

Hello New Tribes!

After many hours of driving, seeing various family members, MANY cups of coffee, and then even more driving, I have safely arrived at NTBI! I arrived Tuesday evening and spent Wednesday and  some of this afternoon with Brenda and Josh. At this point, Catch the Vision has officially started, so I am in a new dorm with new people, and enough life stories and new faces to keep my head spinning for weeks on end.

Oddly enough, as I sit here and type this, the fact I have to leave on Saturday and go BACK to my normal life and away from the awesome people I have met is nothing short of heart breaking. The atmosphere of New Tribes and the passion the place has is incredibly refreshing. Though I have been here for less than a full 48 hours, I feel as though I have been here forever, and that I belong here. I don't want to leave it so easily, because leaving means going back to my job on Monday, and life returns right back to where it left off.

It doesn't have to STAY that way though. I don't have to stay in Missouri and stay discontented with where my life sits. As easy as it would be to go back and let myself slide into my life that I refer to as normal (Sunday, church. Monday-Friday, work. Saturday, coffee. Repeat.) I know that I cannot truly be in God's will and not change.

I wish I could explain half the things I am thinking right now and talk about each and every person I've been able to talk to, but that would make this post painfully long for everyone. Perhaps I will a different night.

Right now I am just very anxious for tomorrow to start so I can continue to meet the new people and understand exactly what New Tribes has to offer, while at the same time wishing time could stretch on so I didn't have to say goodbye and leave the campus so soon.

Today

Today as I write, I’m rather broken hearted and overall down. Being Sunday, today would have been a fantastic day to be in church. I could really use the encouragement that comes with simply being around others that are living in the same struggles as me, but of course, I am sick and haven’t left the confines of my bedroom, let alone my house.  Figures, right?

If I could name the cause of my being less than jovial today, it is simple frustration over the fact of how often it is that I fail God. It’s not that I’ve ‘done’ anything horrible, but it’s tiny things. I haven’t been praying for my friends like I used to. When I’m in the Word, it’s more like glancing over the pages instead of actual study and application. My heart isn’t as faithful; I’m so easily distracted off from what REALLY matters day to day, and instead live in my job, or choose hanging out with family over talking to God. It’s small things like that, but a week or two goes by and I look back and say, ‘What happened??’

I know we all mess up, I know that God forgives us our failures, I know that God delights and loves us anyway –but that does not for a moment change the fact that I don’t LIKE messing up. If there is anyone that deserves my faithfulness and my 110% at all times, it’s God, and the fact that I can’t bring that to him is so tiresome. I really wish I could. It only makes sense to honestly. He died for me. I truly owe him everything – yet the reality behind it all is that it is a debt that I can’t ever repay, regardless my sincere wish to.
I know there are those much wiser than me out there, so for those that happen to be reading over this, any chicken soup for the soul advice that you’ve found to be helpful to you?

Things to pray for on a somewhat side note is my trip to New Tribes coming about a week from today. I’ll be honest; I am really hoping that this is the direction I end up going towards. I think a lot of the things I struggle with stem from the fact that aside from my church, I am living day to day among people that are not like minded with me, and it makes it very easy for me to focus on the same things they do, considering how much time I spend with them at work. If am around people who are constantly kingdom focused, it will be more difficult for me to branch off and lose focus like I do out here. Not to say that this won’t happen of course, but I would be putting myself in an environment that makes it more difficult to do so.

For further clarification, I don’t see New Tribes as a ‘fix it’ by any means, but what I do see it as is something I can do on my end that will make it easier for me to stay focused. I am putting myself in a better place to grow than if I stay here in Springfield and don’t change. The goal for me is to place things in my life that set me up for success and will continuously drive me to God – not away from. Either way I am completely certain that something does need to change.
Hope this makes sense? Keep praying for me. :)

God is good!

It has been a crazy good, day to day in the grind, not average week.

Since my not getting a raise, I have been really wondering if it was in fact just a funny coincidence, or if it was actually God's call to action and change. After looking back in my life, I do in fact feel it is God's communication to me to say that it is time to step up and live out the life that he has called me to.

To those who don't know my life story, many, many years ago I felt very strongly that God had called me to foreign missions. Considering my age, I knew very well that God wasn't saying right then, but that one day the call for me to go would come. Not much happened after that, until now.

Honestly since the creation of the blog, time frame wise at least, God has been leading me to a more personal realtionship with himself and refining me when it comes to my relationship with fellow believers, but some of the most notable things that God has repeatedly reminded me of is obediance. Making him the Lord of my life. Living my life in full devotion to him. Not allowing anything else to take place of what should remain sanctified to him.

Not too long ago I remember having a discussion with my sister Brenda about how I felt God was really preparing me for something new and exciting. (How scary that was!) Not too much later it seems crazy for me to imagine myself just sitting here, pretending like I am okay with my Monday thru Friday job.

At this point I have narrowed down my options to two things. I will be visiting NTBI the beginning of March. If I feel comfortable there and think it's something God would approve me to do, then I'll pack my bags for that. If I don't feel certain that it is where I need to be, I'll stay here in the area and enroll in OTC to continue my classes towards a medical degree. Either way, I know that I need to start working towards achieving that next step in preparing myself for the mission field.

At this point, I'm very excited about this. Keep praying for me :D