Day 8

I am quite certain that I have been shopping every single day of the week, for almost all of this past month, getting as ready as I possibly can for the upcoming holiday.

Christmas has always been a special time for many families, and each Christmas brings new memories that mark another year's passing. For this particular family Christmas, many things are about to change, and I find myself being apprehensive at the least.

For starters, one of my sisters is moving away to a new state, attend schooling for the purpose of missions. My other sister (I have three) is pregnant with her first child, and as exciting as these changes are, they leave me slightly saddened.

I often wonder if what I am feeling now is nothing more than the emotions of hundreds before me. The only thing I wish to do is pause time and continue to live in a sort of reply of what soon will be a memory. In my world now, my family is but a car ride away, my niece is small and can't say my name, and I can  remain the young little sister with no need to step up and stand on my own. With the way things are now, I understand my role, where I fall into place, and things are fairly easy.

Soon that will be very different.

I try not to dwell on it because it won't help me or anyone to think about the changes that will come, but at the end of the day, I'm heart broken. It's not just that my sister is moving away, but seeing how they are progressing in their lives, I fear that our bonds will start to loosen. I somehow feel that as my siblings progress in their lives, I will have less and less things in common with them, and soon I will be like my own mother, who doesn't often get to speak with her sisters, and rarely gets to see them.

Greater than my emotional concerns though, is what will happen when she is gone. God has used her influence so greatly in my life to show me his grace and patience. She has been an encouragement so many times and always points me back to God when I need it most; when I am too afraid to ask others for help. As much as I would like to pretend that my reasoning is strictly selfless and 'for the love of my family', many of my reasons are selfish. 

After a lot of internal review, and asking myself the various why's that lead to my fear, in simple terms, I find that I don't want to grow up. I don't want to be an 'adult' who is fully responsible and fully seeking after Christ on my own accord.

I somehow have made a habit of living vicariously through her, and now that she is moving, I can't really sedate myself in watching her follow God, I have to do it myself. I'm very afraid of this. I've seen, for my entire life in fact, what it means to follow after God and serve him, but for lack of analogy, I've always been the child teetering on top of other's feet, allowing them to carry me as they move and progress. Their progress was directly proportionate to my own.

What happens when I start to walk on my own, and I fall?

Fall I will - and I know that God will be there to pick me up - but that doesn't make it any less scary to start taking those first steps on my own.

I don't know. It's five days till Christmas, and I am counting down the days to see what happens.

Sink or swim?

I guess we will find out.