Day 1

God is patient.

I feel that is my life in a nutshell right now. I often wonder how much vexation I cause God as I teeter back and forth between a relationship with him and a life where I run from what I know is right. I read my bible, cry a good cry, confess my sin, get that 'feel good' feeling, and then throw it away and run right back to where I was only weeks before. This has been my life pattern for most, if not all, of my post-saved Christian walk of around five years.

 Remembering this past history alone is so discouraging for me that it often times leads me to turn from God, because I knew what I was doing, whatever it be at the time, was wrong, knew it was in direct opposition to Gods will, knew I had the power to say no, and still chose to do it anyway.

Why would God want that? Why would God choose to waste his time on a luke warm, inconsistent young girl who can't keep her priorities straight for any measurable length of time?

I often find myself wondering why God can't just punish me, or give up and walk away, as if that would make things better for me. I have often thought, 'If God could just leave me like I completely deserve, I would feel better'. Simply knowing how many times I've willingly betrayed the one person who is by far my biggest advocate - that's a hard pill to swallow.

After being confronted last night by my sister and her husband, I had a conversation with God once more, expressing my heart broken thoughts to him, sharing my fears with him of the fact that if I again tried, I might, and likely would, mess up and run away like I always had before.

I told him how much I feared this. I explained that even though I knew how ridiculous it was, I would rather stay away than just keep messing up over and over again. I asked him why he cared about me. Why did he keep investing his time in me? Why did he even allow me to crawl back to him after betraying him so many times?

I got an answer; very prominent, and very clear.

As I was driving, an incredibly bright shooting star shot across the sky. It was breath taking and beautiful, and I couldn't help but silence my cries for a few moments as I reveled in that short split second beauty. Was it irony that I had seen that; complete chance that I happened to receive some unexpected comfort by the beauty nature offered? Some people perhaps wouldn't have thought twice about it, but I knew instantly what it was. God was simply saying, "Yes. I do love you. You are my creation. I am the God of all that is, and I will not abandon you."

I had nothing more to say. God still wanted to pursue a relationship with me! He was still there, and still just as caring as he had been before all of my countless wrongs. I laughed and cried as I allowed God to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, and encourage me to move beyond the guilt that had been weighing me down and that kept me from following him.

As the title of this message says, this is day one. My goal is to actively chase and pursue a relationship with God for a straight sixty days. Honestly, I have never done this before. I have never been able to go anything over a month where I am in the word and talking with God as I should be. I accept the fact that I may miss a few days, and not do things 'perfectly', but I can't let that pull me down.

I want so badly to be close to God. He is a very real, very alive, and very personal God. I can't say right now that I love him with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind ... but one day, I do want to be able to say that, and not just say it, but mean it. I want that to be true of my life.

It all starts with today.

Hosea 2:16