Day 16

I think it is very easy to write and pretend I have all the answers. I enjoy writing, so this sort of keeping track is a great way for me to focus on God as I write about the things that have been on my heart as I pursue after him, but I want to make sure that I am still being honest with myself and allowing my writing to be a tool that will continue to sharpen me and keep me chasing after God.

As much as I would like to post some verse and pretend like my spiritual life is just as flawless and just as smooth as it has been in the previous days, I want a real relationship, so I have to start out by being real with myself.

As my previous posts have stated, this week, as expected, was not an easy week. My sister has left for Michigan, I am moving into her house, gaining a new roommate, and struggling to keep God as my main heart focus.

I know for a fact that God has not been the focus of my life the past few days. I know that I have allowed other things to rule my heart instead of him. Worse still is the fact that I could see the progression and allowed it to happen anyway. Ironically enough, I have still been reading my bible, and still learning things and trying to apply his word to my life, but there is a difference between reading his word, and allowing him to be number one in my life.

It's frustrating, discouraging, and encouraging all at the same time. Frustrating because I've been reading my bible. You would think that that is enough to keep me fully God focused. You would think. None the less, I've found that keeping him the lord of my life is a lot more than just pulling out my bible and adding a few more notes to the pages.

Its's discouraging because I feel like I've failed God again (and I have) and I don't like doing that. I know how simple that sounds, but that's the ultimate truth of it. I don't like messing up, I don't like failing, and the fact that I try and fail anyway, is always discouraging.

Where it is encouraging though, and this is by far the most important of the three, is that I care. I am frustrated and discouraged by my lapse of faithfulness, but I will keep going anyway because I know that if I am upset by my failing God, it means that my relationship is real! If I didn't have a real, personal investment in God, I wouldn't care one bit if I were following him or not. I do care though. I am very sorry, and very upset at myself for continuously failing and not following after God like I should.

I am burdened and convicted by a perfect God that has called me to step up and live a life that is much better than what this world has to offer. It's just so hard to do, and frankly, I'm terrible at doing it.

Any time I mess up, I often times throw in the towel and give up. I don't want to do that today. When I am not with God, I am cynical and prideful and I am in general a very unhappy, draining person to be around. As frustrating as it may be to have to face my sin and admittedly say to a holy God, 'Yes, this was very wrong, and I'm sorry', I would rather do that then run and become that mean, bitter person again.

I cannot, and will not keep running from God. I messed up. I knew I would, and I'm upset at myself ... but I have no intentions of giving up on God, claiming that I'm really just giving up on me. If I believe that God can pick up the pieces and make me whole, then I am going to stick around to see it happen. If I choose to walk away from God, all I am really saying is I don't believe he is powerful enough to fix me - that God has ultimately met his match in the can and can't fix it list of life.

As often as I stray and as inconsistent as I am, I truly do believe that God can handle it. I believe he is powerful and life changing.  I believe that God can restore my heart to him and show me what it means to be faithful, through example. He already has.